One Of Us

I Am An Unsolvable Paradox With A Dry Sense Of Humor

Osamu Dazai

Yeah, you already know who I am, so I'm not gonna give an introduction.

But the more pressing matter would probably be your question as of right now: "Hey Dazai, why are you stuck in a garbage can?"

Short answer? I'm bored.

Long answer? Kunikida took the assassin lady, Sayuri Rei, to the president, leaving me alone with myself, and I decided to try committing suicide by crushing my body in half again.

Welp, this didn't work and now I'm just stuck, so I'm sitting in the middle of the main office in a trash can, waiting for Kunikida to return from the President's office. I'm staring at the wall... and then I hear footsteps.

I also hear distant shouts and then I hear the lights flicker. And I sense a Gift in use, Rei's gift, more specifically. The room goes dark, and I know for sure it's her.

See, Rei's gift allows her to manipulate energy – Everything from lights, electricity, to brain waves and sound waves.  She can erase people's memories, and even extract the energy from their cells on a cellular level and stop their hearts from beating. It would be a cool way to die, though, now that I think about it.

"DAZAI!"

But I guess now's not the time, because that girly scream was my bestie, Kunikida.

I shake and squirm until the can falls over on its side and I am able to wiggle out. I get to my feet and throw my coat over my shoulders, striding off down the hallway to find the source of the chaos.

And I find I'm correct, because Sayuri Rei is standing in front of Kunikida and the President, electricity crackling around her arms. I simply walk up to the angry girl and rest my hand on her shoulder, cancelling her Gift.

She freezes and looks up at me. Her pupils are dilated to an unnaturally large size, and it's even more evident in her green-grey eyes: The chip the Port Mafia implanted into the back of her neck has been activated – meaning it will kill her shortly – and it's taking over her body. Controlling her.

I look up at the President and stifle a gasp. He's crazy – but I know what he's about to do.

And my theory is confirmed when Junichiro bursts through the door. He lets out a wild laugh.

Junichiro's holding a gun (unloaded, of course) and a bomb. The timer is an angry red color, counting down from thirty.

He's a great actor, but I know Rei is only half buying his act. However, the President's eyes meet mine, and I give Kunikida the go ahead, and at once, we all grab our throats as Junichiro's hand flies out like he's chocking us using the Force like Darth Vader. One by one, we gasp and cough and fall to the ground.

Rei is the only one left standing, and with one of my eyes secretly cracked open, I'm watching her. Her guard is up and her eyes sweep over Junichiro.

"Time for you to die-!" He begins as he starts to lunge for her. But Sayuri Rei is quick, already kneeing him in the gut and judo flipping him as she lunges for the bomb. 

She kneels in front of it and I see electricity crackle in her fingertips as she short circuits the bomb. The clock dies.

I get up to my feet to congratulate her on passing her entrance test when, suddenly, she's grasping her head.