One Of Us

I Become The King Of Denial

Osamu Dazai

Goodbyes are not forever, Dazai...

Until we meet again...

I sit bolt upright in my bed, sweat trickling down my back. I tilt my head to check the time, my heart thundering. That's when my clock alarm starts blaring.

"Please be quiet," I groan. "I can't even hear myself loosing the will to live." I fumble with the alarm clock before eventually I shove it off my nightstand. The glass screen on the front shatters. I get up, making sure to walk across the glass fragments. I leave bloody footprints across my bedroom as I move.

I've only gotten about ten minutes of sleep all night, my head is spinning, and I feel like I'm about to throw up. My eyes are puffy from crying, and the bandages I wear around my arms are blood-stained.

I sit at my desk to change them, and when I peel them off, a bunch of the tiny knife cuts I've been giving myself start bleeding again. I replace the bandages with fresh ones, that are almost immediately stained with blood again.

But I don't care. Everyone's grieving right now... at least, I think they are. The Agency is upset over the loss of Rei.

I've lost so many people... but something about this loss is different. It scares me.

But what also scares me is what I would've done to save her... what I would've done to have her with us right now... What I would do to bring her back. To be able to hug her and run my fingers through her long hair... To be able to stare at those huge green eyes of hers just one last time. Just to hear her voice again...

-

I arrive at the Agency headquarters about twenty minutes later. The office is silent as I walk through the door.

The president is the only one sitting in the room right now. Which is weird... he usually sits in his office.

I clear my throat as I move to take a seat at my desk, "Everything... okay?" I ask softly, keeping the shake out of my voice.

My throat has been soar all night... definitely not because I have been crying.

He looks over at me, "What- Yes, Dazai," he says evenly, "Everything's fine. I'm just trying to figure out where we should hang her picture."

"Who... Rei?"

He nods. That's when I realize the frame in his hands. I stand up again and move closer to him to see the picture.

She's younger in the photo, and my heart aches just looking at it.

"It's the only photo that really exists of her." He says quietly, "I wish I had a newer one, but she still needs to be remembered and honored for her sacrifice, no matter who she was."

I nod, looking around, "What about the wall here?" I nod to the wall next to my and Kunikida's desks. 

He stands, "That will do."

-

My throat is even more sore. 

You know that feeling you get when you're on the verge of tears? How like, your nose gets all prickly and your throat closes up and your eyes swell with tears that don't actually run down your face?

Yeah?

(A/N: Nope, just you bud.)

Shh, author-san. I'm having a moment.

(Grow up, Dazai.)

Never.

Anyway, I feel like that right now, and I have been feeling like this for the past hour, and Kunikida's starting to notice...

And also I haven't gotten anything done today.

"Dazai?"

I look over at Kunikida, "Y-yeah?"

"Come here."

"What? No! You're going t-to hit me." Talking is only making it harder to hold my tears back.

I've never cried in front of anyone, and I don't intend for today to be a first.

"No I won't. Just come here."

I sigh, slowly stand up and walk over to him, looking at him through my thick lashes. He grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me, "Pull yourself together man! We get it, Rei's gone! But get over yourself!!"

Kunikida's great at this whole cheering people up business.

Could you hear that sarcasm? I'm fluent.

(A/N: As if we haven't noticed by now.)

Author-san – Shh! Let me finish my moping.

(Really Dazai? Grow up.)

No.

"You don't know that she's gone for sure!" I shoot back, almost hopefully, "She... she could've just taken a freezing cold swim!"

Kunikida sighs, "Dazai, let it go. I don't even understand why you're so upset over all of this." His eyes flicker down to my bloody bandages, "Do you really think she would want you acting like this because of her?"

I pause at that. He's right... Rei would probably punch me if she found out I was so upset over her death.

But I would rather her punch me than be dead!

And what if she's not?

Author-san? Is she alive?

(A/N: You're going to have to wait and see.)

No, don't make me do that! Please-