The Art of Dying - R. Black

fifty four

Song for this chapter: I've Never Felt So Alone - Labrinth (unreleased)

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October, 1979

It's been three months since Regulus left.

Part of me still thinks that he's just going to show up at my door, apologizing for being gone so long. But realistically, he's dead. Even his mother thinks that.

About an hour after Regulus left, Jack showed up. He banged on the door until I answered it, and held me while I cried. I still have no idea how he knew something was wrong, or why he came over when he did.

I spoke with Sirius about a week after Regulus left. It was the first time that I was actually able to get out of bed. I told Sirius what I knew, including why he left. Sirius cried and hugged me tightly, and I cried into his shoulder. He was able to piece together that I am in love with Regulus.

Two weeks after Regulus left, Jack dragged me out of bed and made me start training with him again, much to my dismay.

A month after Regulus left, he was assumed dead by the Black Family. Walburga held a funeral for him, and I wasn't welcome, and neither was Sirius.

Two months after Regulus left, his father died. It was all over the Daily Prophet, 'Orion Black dead, the Black family without an heir'. Even though his mother was awful, Regulus liked his father. From what Regulus told me, his father was just as much of a victim as the rest of them.

It's now been three months, and I am just going through the motions of life.

No one seems to understand how I feel. Sirius is the closest to it, but it's still not the same. We both loved Regulus, but they were very different kinds of love. My parents didn't understand why I got depressed and why I didn't get out of bed. Marlene didn't understand why I was so hung up on 'a Death Eater', or why I had been seeing him again. Emmeline has been incredibly understanding, but she doesn't know the half of the story.

I feel so alone some days.

But, some days I feel happy, or at least I think that I'm happy in the moment.

Despite the overwhelming grief, I started training with the Holyhead Harpies in August like promised. All of the girls were quick to welcome me, and became like family to me within a matter of months. We won our first match last week, and are one step closer to the World Cup.

Everytime I feel happy, I feel guilty. I shouldn't feel happy when the person that I love most in this world is gone.

Some days I miss him so much that I wish the world would just open up and swallow me whole.

I've kept up with the Order, and every single meeting I go to I pray that I hear his name. I pray that Moody says something about him being found, taken into Auror custody for a trial. But everytime a meeting goes by and I don't hear his name, I lose a little bit more hope.

I started smoking. Regulus always hated the smell of cigarettes, but sometimes I just really need something to take the edge off. I figured that it's better than drinking.

Jack told me that I need to start moving on. Initially, I got mad when he said that and left his flat, but he was just trying to help. He's been a big help these past three months. Everytime that I start to fall back into a depressive episode, Jack is there to force me out of my house to go do something. It was a bit annoying at times, but I don't know what I'd do without him.

I think I would be in a much worse state than I am without Jack.

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January, 1980

It's taken me six months, but I think I've finally come to terms with it-, or at least I'm getting there. If Regulus was alive, we would've come back for me by now, right?

I'm still grieving him, but I'm no longer drowning in it.

There are days where I don't think about him, but then I always end up feeling guilty about it. I don't want to forget him, and I don't want to stop loving him. Marlene said that there's no use in loving a ghost. I almost hit her in the face for that one. I don't think she meant it to be rude or disrespectful, but it still made me upset.

I know that Regulus would want me to move on, to do what's best for me, but I still feel as if I'm betraying him in some sort of way.

I've been feeling guilty a lot recently.

I spend a lot of my time training with the Harpies. But when I'm not training, or I don't have a mission from the Order, I'm with Jack. He is my best friend after all. I see him every other day, and between Order meetings and just hanging out, we've become pretty inseparable. We've always been close, but since Regulus left, it feels like Jack is one of the few people who is actually trying to understand how I feel.

Regulus didn't like Jack. I don't think he hated him, but he just didn't like that Jack is my best friend. They always seemed jealous of each other, but the whole thing still confuses me.

I still hope that I'll hear something about him. Whether it's from Dumbledore, or Moody, or the Daily Prophet, I sometimes find myself hoping to hear something about Regulus.

I tried reaching out to Evan. I sent him an owl, asking him how he was doing, if he knew anything about Regulus. I didn't tell anyone where Regulus went or why he left, except for Sirius, who I thought deserved to know how brave his brother was.

Evan responded to my letter with a short note written quickly and carelessly.

'Please don't write to me. - ER'

I must admit it hurt. I thought that Evan and I were friends, or at least friendly enough to check up on each other. But, I guess not.

The war is getting worse, which could be a part of it.

My missions with the Order keep getting more frequent. Last week I was on a patrol near the Ministry with Peter Pettigrew when we were ambushed by two Death Eaters. I managed to stun one of them and both of us were able to get away. I had a wicked bruise on a few of my ribs, but it wasn't that bad.

We were supposed to be on the lookout for any suspicious activity, specifically any known or suspected Death Eater's entering or leaving the Ministry. Few people knew about the mission, so the fact that we were ambushed was a bit confusing. The both of us were pretty well hidden too.

While things with the war were starting to get dark, there were some good things.

Over Christmas, James and Lily broke the news that they were expecting a baby due in the summer. About a week later, Frank and Alice told everyone that they were also expecting a baby due in the summer.

Everyone was over the moon for them, me included.

With dark times like these, we could all use a little bit of hope.