The Art of Dying - R. Black

fifty five

Thank for you 20k reads! This is a double update so make sure to read Chapter 54 first.

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July, 1980

It's been a year without him. Regulus has been "missing" for just over a year.

There are good days, and there are bad days. The days surrounding his birthday were bad days, it was a whole week of bad days. It felt like the grief was eating me away for a while.

But, all things must pass.

I spent so much of the past year refusing to move on. I didn't want to accept the facts, I just wanted to live in the fantasy I created in my head. In my head, he came back for me, the war ended and everyone was fine, we moved in together, we got a dog, and we were sickenly happy.

You can only live in a fantasy world for so long.

I feel like I've grown a lot as a person within the last year, but I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Death and war changes people a lot.

I've witnessed too many deaths for only being 19. Most recently, I watched Bennett Mulciber get struck down by Sirius Black. It was on Moody's orders. "Detain or kill everyone that you can".

Almost three months ago, I killed someone for the first time, and hopefully the last.

I was on a mission with the Prewett twins. Once again, we got ambushed by a group of four Death Eaters. They knocked down a wall, separating me from Fabian and Gideon, and Esme Travers cornered me and started throwing curses.

I did it out of self-defense.

That's what I had to repeat to myself a lot for the first few weeks. But, because I killed her, the three of us were able to get away, and I only suffered a minor blow to the head from the fighting.

That doesn't mean that it didn't make me physically ill just thinking about it.

I'm not very proud of the person I've become.

I know that we're in the middle of a war and you have to do some things that you don't want to do just to ensure your own survival, but I still hate the fact that I killed someone. Esme Travers was nowhere near innocent. She had already killed about a dozen muggleborns and muggles with the help of her younger brother, Elliot.

Moody said that I did a good thing by killing her, and Dumbledore praised me for my loyalty to the cause.

I guess anyone's a killer if you push them far enough.

My workload from the Order will go down since the quidditch season starts up in just over a month. The Holyhead Harpies placed third in the league last year, but this upcoming season we'll have a good shot at the World Cup.

The Montrose Magpies placed second in the league, and Jack still hasn't let me live it down that his team is one place higher than mine. It's just another reason to kick his arse on the pitch.

Within the last few months, things shifted between us.

It's almost as if all of the shit we went through together, and all of the shit that we're still going through together, has brought us even closer. But things are different now.

I don't even know when I started seeing him as more than a friend. Everything with him was so easy since we've been friends for about eight years. I've never been with someone and have it be so easy.

He asked me out, and we went out to dinner a few weeks ago. It was nice and I had a really good time, but I went home feeling guilty.

Regulus would hate this.

I talked with Emmeline about the whole thing. We went out for lunch in Diagon Alley and I explained the whole ordeal to her.

She told me that Regulus would want me to be happy, regardless of who it's with.

I know that she was right. Regulus would ultimately want me to be happy, but being happy with Jack would have probably been his last choice.

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February, 1981

There's a spy in the Order.

At our last meeting, Dumbledore broke the news that we have a rat. Someone has been working with the Dark Lord for quite some time, passing along secrets, mission details, and confidential information. It explains why we've been getting ambushed so much. Someone's playing the role of a double agent. It's scary to think that someone that I know is a spy. I've started to watch everyone more closely, but so far I've come up with nothing.

We've been advised to tighten up our inner circles and report any suspicious activity. When it comes to Order business, the only people I tell are Marlene, Jack, and Emmeline, and I trust them with my life. The three of them have no idea who the spy is, but Marlene is starting to theorize.

It's only a matter of time before the spy gets outed. Someone is bound to slip up eventually.

But apparently we've got a spy as well.

I'm not sure which Death Eater defected and became a spy for Dumbledore, but part of me wants to hope that it's Evan Rosier. We haven't spoken in a year and a half, since Pandora's wedding, but I would like to think that Evan wants out of that cult.

Pandora's due to have a baby any day now.

We write to each other a couple times a month to catch up, and that's how I found out that her and Xenophilius are having a baby girl within the next week or so.

It's weird seeing people my age have children. I'm happy for them and they're all amazing parents, but they're at completely different points in their lives than I am, and it makes me wonder what my life would be like if things were different.

Alice and Frank had a son, Neville, on July 30th. Within twenty four hours, Lily and James had a son, Harry, born on July 31st, making both of the boys about six months old.

The babies are quite cute though.

I don't know if I'd ever want my own, but I'll happily babysit if anyone asks.

Jack and I have been dating for about six months. Things have been going really well between us. My parents love him, they always have, and I love him. Marlene said it was only a matter of time before we started dating, and she likes that he makes me happy.

He's great. We never argue or fight, he buys me flowers for no special reason, and he always lets me sleep on the left side of the bed whenever I spend the night at his flat.

But, he's not him.

Jack is one of the few people I've kept in touch with since leaving Hogwarts. I see Jack all the time, and Emmeline about once a week for Order meetings or lunch. I haven't seen Thomas for a few months, he's been busy with an internship at the Ministry of Magic in the United States. Samuel kind of fell off the face of the earth since we left school. Maggie writes to all of us about once a month. Her and Rory got married last month, they eloped. But none of us knew until a couple weeks later.

I miss everyone and I miss when everything was so much simpler.