I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK (1)

15

It's over

VIVERLEE ALTHEA

When was the last time I wore a black long dress with a black shawl? 

. . . Ah, right. . That was when Chleo died. About years ago.

How could I feel so empty while watching my own dog getting burried, how dare I feel like crying if nearly all of the nights I was not there to care for Omorfia and Arketa so well. 
"I'm so sorry if mommy got busy because of her school works. Sorry if wala kita naalagaan nang maayos no'ng na hospital ka. Sorry." Sorry was all I could ever say. Sorry lang rin ang kayang lumabas sa bibig ko.

Bakit hindi nalang kaya ako ang ilibing diyan? Why can't Omorfia just have my own life instead? 

***
Yjie and Andy left. I just sat on the monoblock, my arms wrapped around me, feeling the cold breeze. I couldn't stop sniffling while staring on to Omorfia's grave before mo. I know I wasn't alone as soon as I heard footsteps behind me, pero hindi na ako umabala pang mag talikod para tignan kung sino 'yon, "I'm so sorry." Dahil sa boses pa lang, alam na alam ko na.

I laughed softly habang nakatitig pa rin sa grave ni Omorfia, "Hindi na mabubuhay ang aso sa sorry mo'ng 'yan." 

"Ang bagal ko kasing makahanap ng dugo," 

Hindi na ako umimik pa, dahil kasalanan naman naming dalawa 'yon. Kasalanang hindi namin kayang maiwasan. There was no use of blaming each other because in the first place, talagang mahirap talagang humanap ng dugo para kay Omorfia.

Ilang araw ko'ng hinintay marinig ang boses niya ulit. Ilang araw akong nag hintay para lang madama ko ang presensya niya muli, pero bakit sa ganitong panahon? Bakit sa araw na wala na akong nararamdaman?

I took me a while to talk ones more, "Fixed marriage?" I don't need to elaborate things further dahil for sure, alam niya na 'yan. 

"Solentino," I called. 
"I. ." And before I could even grab the chance to speak, bigla rin siyang nag salita.

"Viverlee, listen. Never ko itong ginusto." He walked closer just to face me, 
He knelt down as he took both of my hands, "Alam mo 'yan."

I stood up, agad binawi ang mga kamay ko sa kaniya, "Pusang iring ka, Sol! Alam mo naman palang may issue about sa iyo, BA'T HINDI MO NALANG KAYA 'YAN PINAGUSAPAN SA AKIN?!" 

"I wanted things to be clear bago akong mag explain sa iyo. Kaya I tried to handle it with privacy! Ayokong magulo ka dahil sa gulo ko!"

"POTANGINA! AKALA KO BA KASI TEAM TAYO DITO?!" I lent out a sigh of disbelief, 
"Solentino! We've been together for seven years! How could you give me such reasons?! Handle things with privacy?! E ALAM MO NAMANG MAS PREFERED KONG SABIHAN MO MUNA AKO BAGO MO IHANDLE LAHAT LAHAT WITH PRIVACY!"

"Okay, fine! That was a mistake. Hindi kita nasabihan agad na may mga problema akong dapat asikasuhin. Happy?"

"What do you mean mistake? No, Sol. Hindi 'yon mistake. PINILI MONG ITAGO LAHAT NG MGA PROBLEMA MO SA AKIN! SINADYA MO!"

"Fucking damn it, Viverlee, PATI BA NAMAN 'YAN PO-PROBLEMAHIN NATIN?!" 

"OO! DAHIL KUNG SINCERE KA SA NARARAMDAMAN KO, ALAM MO, SOL!" Gigil kong pag turo sa ulo niya ang hintuturo ko, 
"ALAM MO, SOL KUNG ANONG MARARAMDAMAN KO KUNG TINATAGO MO SA AKIN ANG MGA PROBLEMA MO!"

"AKALA KO BA NASA FUNERAL TAYO NGAYON NI OMORFIA?!" 

I took a step back and lent out a sarcastic laugh, "Talaga. Ilang gabi ako hindi nakatulog nang maayos dahil lang sa 'tin. Ilang araw ako nakatanga sa hangin dahil lang nito. How many sleepless nights does it take pa ba para matapos problema natin?"

Sol turned his back for a while before he continued to talk to me, "Let's just. . " He took a short pause as he took a large amount of deep breath,
"Let's just stop this. We both know it's just hurting us."

For seven years. . Kaya niyang itabi dahil lang sa mga problema namin? 
I scoffed in disbelief, "Ang dali lang naman palang mapalit ang lahat." 

"Hindi ko na rin kasi alam kung dapat pa bang ipaglaban natin ito e."
Solentino, my seven year boyfriend, my ex, turned his back on me and started walking away. 

I couldn't believe what's going on. Halos hindi ko man lang ma process sa self ko ang pinagsasabi niya bago bago lang. It felt like I wanted to run after him and grab his hand para kausapin siya for the last time pero it felt like nakadikit sa damo ang mga paa ko.

I tried calling Sol pero walang lumalabas na boses.

My feeling of emptiness suddenly felt thousands of pain. Oo, pati ako. I doubted our relationship kung mag wo-work pa ba 'to o hindi. Pati rin ako, napatanong ko na rin sarili ko kung kaya ko pa ba. . But I never expected Solentino would be the first man who'd give up on me like this.