FUMES [2], jj maybank

20. LATELY I CAN'T FIND THE BEAT

AS A KID, YOU expect everyone around you to live forever. Death is just not a concept for you. Until one day, you go to greet your grandma but she's in a really deep sleep. Like really deep.

Grandma died. You saw your grandmas dead body and you don't find out until 6 years later when you're 13 and your mom finally explains what the fuck happened.

Except, with John B and Sarah, there's no fucking bodies. I sound like JB now, concocting.

It's been almost two months since the shipwreck and JJ and I have really good days mostly but the bad ones are terrible. You can see how broken he is without John B and I can remind him as many times as I want that he is not dead but he'll yell at me, saying to let them rest and that it's probably better for John B if he's dead. Then, he'll regret his words in the morning and feel like a shitty best friend and a shitty boyfriend and a shitty person.

Bailey, Piper and my siblings have been a big help. Even Zander when he drags us out of The Chateau for drinking. Bailey has basically become a part of the group with the occasional visit from Piper.

I'm barely home now, I'm scared to leave JJ alone at The Chateau.

I know they aren't dead. Staring at JJ as he burns John B's name into a tree, I almost want to yell at him to stop. JJ doesn't think they're dead either but he won't say that. I think it's easier for him to think they're dead rather than stranded on an island somewhere, slowly dying.

I stand on the porch, I didn't like this idea. I feel like it's putting into the world that they are dead or will die when my gut tells me they're not. "Imma go smoke, join me if you'd like," They do some toast I refuse to fully witness and grab the blunt JJ rolled for me.

Piper sits on the couch with a blunt and a bucket hat on. She did not have that earlier. "Why aren't you outside with literally everyone else?" I light the blunt in between my lips and inhale as I take a seat next to Piper. "I could ask you the same," She inhales from her blunt and smiles. "I'm not holding a memorial for people who aren't dead," I answer.

"You don't think they're dead?"

I scoff, "No, Blake doesn't either but he's out there, watching JJ kill a tree. I don't even think JJ thinks they're dead. It's just more comforting to know they aren't stranded somewhere." Smoke fills the air around us and I watch as it swirls up into the air.

  Shit, what time is it? I squint at my phone screen, "I have to go see Wheezie soon." After Sarah left—I felt bad for Wheezie. It's not like Rafe is the star older sibling. "I admire that you can still look Ward in the eyes, Sam, I've never even had a direct problem with him and I can't do it."

I walk over to my sneakers and start to slip them on and chuckle at Piper, "I grew up with shitty men constantly around me. I can look them in the eye all day." The door opens and the rest of the crew walks in, including Zander hanging on Blake's arm. "Hey, where are you going?" Pope asks and points to my shoes. I suck on my teeth, "Gonna go check on Wheezie," I make eye contact with JJ and I can see the disappointment.