scars

Chapter twelve: childhood memories

"Oh yeah she screamed at them for not owning up to hurting Ace, Leonard sent me a video of it." Lorenzo said.

"I feel sick." I said running to the downstairs bathroom to throw up from the pain I was still feeling.

"That happens when you put yourself through something like screaming when you're not ready or not meant to." Alessandro said feelings my forehead for any signs of a fever.

I nodded as he felt my forehead in all honesty I was about two minutes away from walking upstairs and going to bed.

I understand that there is a healing period of time but this amount of pain is weird.

I walked into the kitchen to bin my drinks bottle that was empty and then grab an ice pack from the freezer to put on my jaw.

When I walked back into the room with Alessandro's hoodie on which I stole on my first day they all melted.

My brothers were trying to decide on a movie however when I sat down Santiago gave me the remote, so I decided on a horror movie the boys looked shocked.

"What this is my favourite movie." I mumbled making them laugh.

About halfway through Annabelle I got tired and rested my head on whoever's shoulder was next to me.

I am not comfortable with touch because of everything Maria put me through but with my brothers it's different because I feel safe and protected around them.

We all fell asleep there because I woke up early like every day and made my coffee before the sun had even risen.

I love having a family just some times being alone is nice. However today I wasn't bothered and had changed my clothes and collected my laptop.

I listened to music while cleaning the kitchen and getting ready to prepare for breakfast.

At nine am I started making the breakfast for everyone myself included I would have one of those fucking drinks being on a liquid diet is killing me.

I zoned out watching the sunset but also somewhat listening to my brothers argue the sound of them became distant.

I remember the first time Maria brought Paul over to meet me it was the first time I woke up at three am hearing their dull voices scream at each other.

I remember everything he said about me.

'Useless'

'Embarrassing'

'Slut'

'Bitch'

'Girl'

'Weak'

'Ugly'

'Fat'

He hated me and everything I stood for but as a young child I never realised how harmful his words were.

When I was ten, it was the first time I found a coping mechanism, it's the reason I will never wear shorts.

One time during a heatwave I was wearing shorts and some stranger came up to me and told me 'I should not try and get attention that way if I were pretty I wouldn't need to do it.'

Sometimes it really hurts that no one cared enough to try and cheer me up apart from AJ.

AJ and I met when I was going to attempt a sixth time, he grabbed me back from the edge he actually cared to ask me what was wrong and why I felt the need to do that.

He helped me, we created a meet up spot that we would meet at every night at eleven when both of our parents were pasted out from the booze.

The last time we met their AJ told me about his mum finding him and having full custody of him.

Both of us cried the whole time neither wanted the other to leave. I think AJ was worried I would try something again, I did three more times until I realised that I was giving Maria and Paul exactly what they wanted.

AJ and I used to have debates about which Harry Potter couple that fans created was the best like Remus and Sirius or James and Regulus.

He also taught me how to punch before we both found a gym where they had somewhere we could practice.

By that I mean someone who I knew was cheating on his wife let us practice after I threatened to reveal his secret to none other than his wife.

Sometimes the only way to be taken seriously is to show just how bad you can be.

For example yesterday at the gym when I had to shout at the members to make them take me seriously.

When I came back back to reality I felt a tear fall down my cheek.

I hate that my childhood still hurts me, even when I have distanced myself from those emotions.

I threw away my emoty drink carton and left without saying a word to anyone.

I went to my room and sat down at the keyboard.

Once I sat down I knew exactly what to play.

It was a song I always related to for some reason, so I like to play it when I feel like this.

Once I was finished I noticed that Dante was stood in the doorway, I saw him and invited him in to sit with me.

I guided his hands to the keys, before playing the first few cords like this, I knew this was going to be something we never talk about so I decided to stay quiet and just teach him how to play the song.

I rested my head on his shoulder while we played the song like this for a while, for the first time since I got here I saw Dante smile.

Maria and Alessandro were the music lovers in our family, when I turned three and Dante turned two Alessandro bought us both a guitar to learn how to play.

Even after we moved it seems like both Dante and I continued playing and loving music.

After leaving one of the few classes I enjoyed was music because I learnt to play other instruments as well as guitar like piano, violin, ukulele, trumpet, flute and drums.

I was offered a music scholarship but Maria burnt my acceptance letter and my scholarship proof.

"The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave but one ."