scars

Chapter twenty: cogito ergo sum (I think therefore I am)

This chapter gets very dark and has mention of eating disorder habits please don't read if uncomfortable with those topics. :3 ~ emi
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*Time skip one week*

"So none of you think Eddie Munson is attractive like at all?" I asked as we all watched the fourth season of stranger things together.

"He is a metalhead is that what you're into?" Santiago asked.

"I mean he has the personality, he has the jokes and he has flaws like any perfect man. My type though definitely Ajax, I mean he is my boyfriend." I said calmly, making all the boys jaws drop.

"So first you snuck a dog in here and now you're telling us you have a boyfriend?" Alessandro asks seriously.

"He has been my boyfriend before but yes he is my boyfriend and will remain my boyfriend. You love Bandit he is litterally your favourite. We all know it." I said smiling.

"Bandit fits his name all he does is steal our things. Also about your boyfriend we all like him since he stood up for you after that guy made a bet over asking you out." Dante said laughing.

"Ok, so none of you like Eddie but opinions on Robin anyone?" I said smiling.

"Wait you're bi?" Carlos asked.

"Pan, I care about personality gender doesn't play into my relationships." I explained smiling.

"Ok, humor me what do you look for then?" Lorenzo said.

"Well, caring, kind, willing to be saved sometimes but also willing to save me from time to time, charming, easygoing, funny and most importantly someone who is easy to get along with." I explained basically describing Ajax who was sat next to me.

"So literally your boyfriend?" Alessandro laughed.

"Yes, but you guys can't talk, I don't see any of you in comitted relationships." I joked.

"She has a point, however Leonard has a thing for Lorenzo." Dante said smirking.

"Wait, actually I see it now." I said smiling as Lorenzo blushed.

"I am gay, I think you all knew but I have a crush on him too." Lorenzo said smiling gleefully.

All of us were smiling and happy just watching stranger things and talking about mundane stuff.

This is how life should be the simple joy of just being together. Rather than Maria's idea of isolation and humiliation.

"Bandit here boy." I said quietly as Bandit looked for somewhere to settle, he jumped onto my knee and laid there.

Everyone but me was asleep, do boys never sleep because every time we do something like this the boys always fall asleep.

My mind had been screaming at me for the past month, Maria had engraved her stupid diet culture in my head and I had barely been able to stomach eating.

I didn't want to disappoint anyone but it was getting so hard to ignore the voice in my head telling me all those things.

I sat running my hands through Bandit's fur while crying my eyes out, I have battled four times with eating disorder but this time it's different.

At some point one of my brothers woke up and saw me crying.

After two minutes I realised it was Santiago he looked at me and it was like he could read my mind.

He picked me up into his arms as well as Bandit before settling me down on the kitchen counter.

"How about we make it less scary ok, we both eat some fruit and have a nice chat about anything you want?" He said smiling before passing me a bowl of strawberries.

"What was dad like? Maria never spoke about him." I asked curiously.

"He was amazing, he loved you unconditionally he left something for you with Alessandro for your birthday. He was the best dad, he was a bit absent but that was expected, he trained Alessandro, Lorenzo and myself for ever our life could throw at us." He said smiling while eating the occasional strawberry.

"What do you like to do?" I asked him, he was close to me but also closed off.

"I am a medic for our mafia and have been working with our team for four years. The other month when your jaw was busted again and you passed out, I was so scared because you looked so excepting of your fate like you were ready to die. It made me worried but then when Ajax bust in I don't think I have ever exhaled quicker, he really loves you and I am glad you found someone who treats you the way he does." Santiago said smiling at me, he was being completely serious as well.

"It scared the shit out of me too I knew that if it came to a point where it was me or you I would always sacrifice myself over anyone else in the room. Jax is a dick anyway much like AJ but Ajax he has been there when I have been my lowest and unlike others he never ran." I said leaning my head on Santiago's shoulder.

"We all love you, I know Maria fucked with your head but we need you to try for us. I don't think anyone could live without you now that we have you where you're meant to be." Santiago told me.

"I know just my whole life I have always been told I am ugly, from Maria restricting my food, to the people in juvie saying another scar wouldn't have any effect cause I am already ugly enough. Maria had some friends or someone who owed her something who would give me as little food as possible while I was in juvie." I explained calmly.

"I know but you have us now you can eat whatever whenever you want. We are men so we barely stop eating. You can do whatever you please, just don't leave us we love you more than we know." Santiago said smiling.

I felt arms snake around my waist but didn't move I knew it was Ajax it's something he has always done no matter our relationship. It's his way of showing love.

"The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave but one."