before i go / c. sturniolo ✔️

chapter six

multi

"lilith!" chris whispers, poking her shoulder. she shrugs him off, flipping her head towards him. she gasps and sits up, looking over at nick who didn't move a muscle. "lili, come with me."

"what? chris, what time is it?" lili grabs her phone.

2:57am

"just come on." chris nags, pulling her up. they walk together to his room, where he shuts the door behind them so they don't have to whisper.

"why are you up so early?" lili's voice is groggy as she sits on the edge of christopher's bed.

"i'm not up early. i haven't slept yet." chris explains, placing his hands in his lap. "listen, i-"

lili shivers, interrupting chris. he stands up and grabs a hoodie from his closet, handing it to her.

"no, i'm fine." she puts her hand up. he insists.

"just take it, lilith." she gives in and puts the hoodie over her tank top.

"so, i woke you up because i need to talk to you. i don't want you to interrupt me because i need to say this, okay?"

lilith nods.

"i realized once you left how mean i was to you. i didn't understand what i was doing to your self-perception and i apologize for that. but i really want to say sorry for why i did it. back then, i didn't want you to be friends with anyone else, so i basically bullied you so that matt and nick could comfort you afterwards. they didn't realize i was doing it, but i just wanted you to keep coming around, you know?"

lilith nods again, feeling emotional.

"until recently, i didn't understand why exactly i wanted you around. i didn't know if it was because you got along so well with my brothers or because you were so damn nice. but when i seen you in the airport, i realized exactly why i did it." chris pauses taking a moment before he finishes. "lilith, i don't know what you're doing to me. i felt it back then, and i feel it now. when you're around and smiling or joking around with nick and matt, i just get so nervous. it's like, just seeing you puts me in a better mood, but now that it's all sorted out in my brain... you're all i think about, lili. as soon as nick said he found you on instagram, i looked through your pictures, watched your youtube videos and started regretting even more how i wasn't as close with you as nick and matt."

lilith tries to comprehend what he's saying, despite her growing exhaustion.

"basically, what i'm trying to say is..." he runs a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath. "i cannot stop thinking about you. i know i already said that, but it's all i can come up with."

"i don't know what to say, chris." lili looks at the brunette boy in front of her. "i really don't. i have spent five years thinking you absolutely despised me. it really broke me that when i was younger you picked on me even though i had the biggest crush on you. when my dad died, i knew there was no coming back from it. which is why i am so glad that we moved to florida. it was the best decision my mother had ever made. i got to rebuild myself and find people who helped. but i missed you guys so much. so fucking much. today was so much fun with you guys, and it made me realize that you werent still that young and dumb douchebag that bullied me."