The secret pact

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Maura's pov

After few weeks Jane and I started growing apart, and I didn't like it. I just hated it. I hated the feeling, but there was nothing that I could do about it. It's not that we didn't see each other at all - we were growing apart slowly but steadily; we just weren't the close best friends that we used to be. We still saw each other, but not very often, and it was usually just on our family dinners. They were something like a tradition so there was no avoiding it, but nothing was the same anymore, even then. We weren't as close as we used to be with Jane, and I could feel it. I hated the way Jane just drew away from me, but I couldn't put the blame on her because lately we were both really busy. I could understand that, but it didn't mean that I liked it. We haven't talked about our secret pact. At all. Jane hasn't even mentioned it. Neither have I.

Lately I've been thinking about Jane a lot, and about all the things that she said to me. I've been pondering about our secret pact and everything that happened after we had sex – I simply didn't know what to do and how to feel. I could clearly remember Jane's words because they got stuck in my head ever since she confessed them to me: "Having sex is just a way of satisfying a need. Something you do to make yourself feel wanted. And needed.... And making love is making the other one feel loved, and wanted. And needed."

I think I could understand her words better now, after we had sex, but I was still a little confused as well. Did Jane and I just have sex or did we make love? How did she feel about it? Even I didn't know what to think, and I wasn't so sure whether there's a difference between making love and having sex. What were Jane's feelings, her thoughts, her motives, I was wondering almost every single night, constantly asking myself these questions, but not her. I simply couldn't ask Jane, so I just kept wondering, keeping everything to myself. Did she feel that way, the way she described making love would feel, and not just having sex? Hell, even I wasn't so sure anymore how I felt, but at least I knew one thing for sure – I definitely felt wanted, and needed and satisfied. But I wasn't sure how Jane felt, and I didn't know how to ask her, how to raise the subject when it wasn't something casual that I could say over dinner. I simply didn't have the guts to ask Jane so I was putting it off.

I remember Jane's words that she said to me weeks ago, when I asked her what's the difeerence between having sex and making love. She said, "I don't know why, but I have always imagined that making love would be slow... passionate... tender... act of love. A way to express your deep love towards the other. A way to please your spouse and show him your feelings."

What we had with Jane was something like that... Maybe? I didn't know for sure. I thought sex is just sex - period, but with Jane things felt so differently, and I just didn't expect it would feel this way. I just thought that there's no difference between having sex and making love, it sounded a bit crazy to me at first, when I heard Jane's opinion, but after everything that happened between us, I wasn't so sure anymore. And I just couldn't let it go. It was bothering my mind constantly. I really wanted to know the truth, but even I didn't know how to feel about the pact that we made with Jane. I had to consider every possibility, every single option, and I had to make up my mind.

I started wondering about Jane and her feelings. Or motives. Right after our secret pact, I started asking myself so many questions that left unanswered. Did Jane do it because of me? Just because I wanted her to have sex with me? Because I made her do it, or asked for it? Was she feeling somehow persuaded? Did I pressure her? Or did she do it because she wanted to do it? I had no idea. Was it just a spur-of-the-moment thing or something entirely different? I really needed to know. I was very, very confused about my own feelings. And I couldn't just take a guess about her own feelings; I knew I had to ask her. There was no other way to find out.

The truth is that I was completely honest with Jane. All I wanted at that time was to have sex in order to lose my virginity and Jane just seemed like the right person for it. The easy option. She was my closest person and a friend, and I thought the idea wasn't so bad. We were really close so I thought that things wouldn't be awkward between us. And I knew that Jane would keep it a secret. So it sounded like a good idea to pick exactly her. It was very easy choice at that time. And I could honestly say that I didn't have any ulterior motives. I hadn't planned anything else. I didn't expect to develop some unresolved feeling towards Jane. I just thought we would get over with it – all I wanted at that time was a simple sex with no strings attached. And I really thought I could have it. Without any consequences. But it turned out I was wrong...