The secret pact

Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Jane's pov

I couldn't fall asleep. I wasn't tossing in bed like I usually do just because Maura was lying next to me so I had to pretend I was asleep. But I couldn't sleep a wink. I just didn't want to talk to Maura. That was the last thing I wanted to do at that moment, actually. If I had to tell her the truth, it would be a very long, hard and meaningless conversation. It would be pointless to discuss something that would never happen. It just couldn't. It was impossible to happen. And it would only make things even harder than they already are. And when the moment to part our ways comes, it would be unbearable. Devastating. So I was just saving Maura the heartache. It was bad enough that two inseparable best friends had to part their ways, but if we became something more, that would be far more painful. Heart-wrenching. For both of us. So I wanted to stay strong by lying silently next to Maura, biting my tongue. I just had to pretend I was sleeping – I didn't have other choice.

I didn't want to tell Maura the truth and cause her even more pain by making a love confession. It was better that way. Better for her, not for me. Because knowing that I am missing my only chance was hard to swallow. But I told myself that it was for the best. And I really tried to believe it.

All I wanted to do and felt like doing at that moment was to hug Maura tightly. She was lying next to me - just a few inches away, but I just wanted to get closer to her and feel her. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her that everything's going to be fine. I wanted to tell Maura the truth that I love her, and everything else doesn't even matter. I wanted to do it so much – I really did, but I just couldn't. I didn't want to cause her pain and I knew if I confessed my feelings to her, there would be consequences; a price to pay for my love confession. It was hard enough for both of us already. I didn't need to complicate things even more. Once again I told myself it was for the best to leave things as they were and I really tried to believe it, to convince myself because I wasn't even certain what to believe anymore. It was hard to restrain myself after Maura brought up the topic and I was itching to tell her the truth. The whole truth.

Maura was lying so close to me that I could hear her even breathing; I could feel her body close to mine on the next side of the bed. I knew that just if I reached out, I could feel her. Just a few inches separated us but it felt like so much more. She was miles away from me. Or she would be. But I could see myself going near Maura, hugging her warm body tightly, feeling her scent all over me. Confessing my feelings for her – I could picture it pretty vividly in my mind. Of course, I didn't know how she would react to that, but I tried not to think about it. It was tempting enough when she was so close to me. Just three words could make such a big difference. But I just couldn't say them to her. No matter how much I wanted to do so.

I turned around, trying to think about something else. I knew I just have missed my only chance to come clean to Maura. I could still wake her up and tell her the truth. I could answer her question honestly, but I knew it would only make things worse. So I tried to make peace with it. Just three simple words, which I wanted to shout from the rooftops, but since I knew they could do more harm than good, I simply had to swallow them; I had to keep them to myself. And so I did...