Is This All You Want? (annyeongz version)

Chapter 11

The sun is smiling and the birds are singing. Children are playing at the park, running around with their little friends, climbing trees and skinning their knees. Spring could not have come sooner. The ice cream vendor gives Yujin a free scoop because he says it's such a beautiful day and it's such a waste to not enjoy the sun and fun. In truth, he's probably really glad to meet his sales quota for the day because Rei bought two 32-ounce containers of some yogurt berry mix and brownie fudge, which she claims she will share with her roommate. Minju thinks otherwise but Yujin could hardly care.

Despite her best attempts to remain unnoticed by her peers, they have undoubtedly caught on to her gloomy disposition. They must be very good friends then, Yujin thinks, for them to notice such a slight change in her character. She's usually quite... neutral. Maybe it's because she's been taking extra long lunch breaks by herself or because she shows up later than usual to work, which is still earlier than everyone else to be honest. Or that she doesn't bother interacting during meetings and shrugs off everyone's attempts to talk to her unless it was purely about work. She submits her deliverables a bit later than normal and she doesn't leave little stickers for Rei anymore. Or just her long exasperated sighs in the middle of work hours that she thinks no one hears.

She supposes that's the reason why they brought her to the ice cream shop in the first place. To hopefully uplift her spirits.

It doesn't work.

"Yujin."

It's not like she can just tell them about her deepest despair, the reason for her agony and this seemingly unending turmoil. That she had given her whole heart to a woman who probably didn't love her back in the same way. If she did, she wouldn't have left, would she? Even after she asked her to stay, she chose to leave.

"Yujin..."

Would it even help her to talk about these things? Could her friends aid to lift this weight on her chest that makes it feel like she's drowning with every breath of air she takes? Would it become easier to get up in the morning and look at all the remnants of Wonyoung that she had left in her apartment? Will she forget this pain?

The funny thing is... she doesn't want to. It's not masochistic, is it? No, Yujin doesn't enjoy the pain. Heck, no. But she wouldn't have changed a thing, even if it led to this .

There is no room for regret. Yes, it hurts . A million times over, she would replay the ending scene. Again and again. She would go through it in her head. Could she have done something different? Said something else?

"Yujin, I need you to say it."

No. Wonyoung is better off now.

"Yes. Stay."

They should be happy it ended this way.

"YUJIN!" 

Minju yells. It's the loudest she'd ever been and she covers her mouth instantly. The ice cream vendor nearly drops his scooper. Even Rei jumps from her sudden outburst. Yujin's ice cream was melting and had started to drip to the ground. She hadn't been paying attention at all.

"Ah, sorry," Yujin says, quickly finishing whatever is left of her ice cream.

"What's with you today?" Minju asks, taking out some napkins from the counter.

Minju's words barely register in Yujin's head.

If she doesn't regret it, why should she care? Why does she keep holding on to the pain?

What is it? Why does this heartbreak hurt so much worse than anything else she'd been through?

Wonyoung doesn't owe her anything just because Yujin was nice to her. Wonyoung doesn't need to stick around. It's over now. She should move on. Wonyoung probably already has.