Who Knows?

"Why not?"

He keeps quiet so I ask another dreaded question.

"Could you see yourself in a long-distance relationship? While working and raising a child with your ex-wife?"

"I don't know," he honestly says, blowing out a long breath.

I nod before responding, "I'm not sure if that's enough for me, Eli."

"What do you mean?" he asks, a hint of fear in his words.

"You know what I mean," I quietly answer.

"No, not really. I am not getting back together with Janet if that's what you were thinking," he shakes his head.

"I wasn't," I tell him. "And I would've gladly entered into a long-distance relationship with you before all of this happened but with Janet and the baby in the equation... that's not what I signed up for. I'm not sure if I can deal with the 'what ifs', always wondering. I did that all my life with my parents: Do they care about me, or not? Will they come pick me up, or not? Will they help me, or not? Will they be there for me, or not?" I pause, catching my breath because I started breathing heavily. I needed him to know my concerns with this situation and I am glad I managed to get them all out. "But, I know you are not my parents and I think I am willing to try. For us." I finish somewhat confidently.

He nods with a small smile but then his body jerks a little as if he just thought of something unpleasant - an unwelcome realization. 

"What I am about to say isn't fair but I have to say it," Eli starts, voice thick with emotion. "I don't want to lose you, us, what we have. You mean so fucking much to me and I meant what I told Ben - you are the only good thing in my life. You do know more about me than most and I trust you. I haven't trusted someone in a long time. Not even myself. I know I shouldn't tell you these things now. I should let you break up with me, get the closure you need and deal with my shit on my own. You are young, darling. You should live freely without me tying you down with this mess. But it breaks me thinking about letting you go. I want you and, maybe I even need you in my life but it wouldn't be fair of me to ask you to stay with me through all of this. I-" he doesn't continue his sentence. While speaking, he moved further and further away from me. As if to give me the space to think clearly and make the right decision.

I can tell he's fighting hard to not cry, unlike me. My tears are falling freely again. My chest, my lungs my heart, my head - my whole body hurts. I hate this. So. Much. But I need him to know how I feel, at least. So he, we, know that this wasn't for nothing. 

I take one small step forward and open my mouth. "Eli, I lo-"

"No! Don't," he growls out, and then snaps at me, "Fuck, Romy, don't you dare." His low, dark tone of voice carries authority and I immediately clamp my mouth shut.

"Why not?" I meekly ask.

"If you say those words, I won't be able to let you go, you won't be able to leave and you'll regret saying it for the rest of your life. Because if you stay with me now, you won't be happy, your life will go to shit."

"You don't know that!" I yell frustratedly. 

"Yes, I fucking do!" he yells back. "You're young and naive and... and, fuck! You are not strong enough for someone like me. You need to find someone of your own caliber. Good thing we haven't actually had sex yet, or this would be even harder for you, so be glad. Now run along and leave me be." There's a storm swirling in his eyes. His jaw is tense and his nostrils are flaring but I can only focus on the ugly words he just spat at me.

I take a breath to calm myself before I answer. "You're just saying those things to push me away," I accuse.

"Great, I hope it's working," he spits out. I shake my head in disbelief.