Who Knows?

"Guess who's coming to visit?"

I fell asleep fairly quickly during the car ride, the night of tossing and turning getting the better of me. Tess wakes me up halfway through the road trip for a bathroom break and to get some food in us. After that, I forced her to let me drive. We didn't talk about anything that happened when I went to talk to Eli, yet. It can wait until we're home.

Now, we are heaving our luggage up five flights of stairs because the elevator is broken and things couldn't possibly start to look up. We stumble through the front door, dropping our luggage on the ground, and fall straight onto our soft couch.

It's early afternoon but I am once again ready to sleep. I look over at my best friend she smiles at me.

"How are you doing, babes?"

I shrug and fumble with a loose threat on Eli's shirt. "I don't know. I honestly don't know, Tess."

"Awww, honeybuns! You are breaking my heart looking like a puppy who's just been kicked. You're a girl boss, get it together." Tess gently nudges my chin with her fist. "Honestly though, I think it was the right move to get some actual distance from the whole debacle. You're smart. And you're strong. You'll figure it out, eventually."

"Thank you, Tess. I really needed to hear that," I tell her, laying my head on her shoulder.

"No problem, babes. I'm always here for you, you know that. And I think this now proves, that no man will ever replace me! I am your protector and provider," she jokes in a low, growly voice and I can't help but laugh. "Aaand I'm funny, too. Technically, I'm unbeatable. I don't have any competition."

"Okay, Tess. Reign in the narcissism a tad bit," I say under a laugh. She just laughs along with me.

"Do you want to talk about it? Or him?" Tess asks, now more serious.

"I want to yes, but I'm not sure I already can. I really don't know what to make of the things he said before we left - and everything else that happened. I need to properly think about it before I can talk about it, I guess," I try to explain.

"I get that. How do you feel, though?" The concern is evident in her voice.

"Sad and confused and angry and disappointed and... hopeful." I sigh and it comes off slightly annoyed but I am more exhausted than anything else.

"Okay, that's good." Tess nods once, then loudly slaps her palms down on her thighs, making my head jerk up from her shoulder. "Wanna watch a movie?" she asks, changing the subject. I love that she knows when not to stop talking about stuff I am not ready to talk about

"Uuh, yeah sure. Why not?" 

"Great, love the enthusiasm! You choose, I'll make us some chips and dip." With that, she disappears behind the kitchen counter and I grab the remote to turn on the TV.

My phone screen nearly blinds me as I check the time. 3:18 am. Amazing. A stupid nightmare woke me up and I let out a frustrated huff. I'm still wearing Eli's shirt and I fucking miss him. I hate it. I hate that it consumes me so much.

I shouldn't be surprised - I love him. Of course, these feelings won't disappear just because I put some physical distance between me and him. I feel white-hot anger rushing through my system as I think about the way he cut me off before I could tell him how I feel. How dare he? Who does he think he is that he can regulate me communicating my feelings? Stupid idiot. 

A frustrated groan leaves my mouth and I lift my head to turn my pillow over. I sigh in contentment when my face hits the cool fabric. 

"What did he actually mean by the things he said after he caught up with Tess's car? That he will get his shit together and then come to me? Why in the hell didn't he just agree to a long-distance relationship in the first place? The more I think about this, the angrier I get. Is the baby even his? But how would one know that? I don't know shit when it comes to babies or pregnancies. Can you do a paternity test before the baby is even born? If so, he probably did one. He's not stupid. Right?