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thirteen

F L O R E N C E

My skin is oily, my hair feels greasy, my legs are itchy, and my stomach rolls like a ball. Anxiety racks my body. Why you may ask? I couldn't even tell you myself.

The school skirt shows off the redness from scratching at my legs. The uniform button up is extra suffocating today. My head pounds and my lungs are short of breath... again.

You're fine.

I am fine. Just fine. I am alive, and have a roof over my head and food on my plate.

I am fine.

Tears prickle my eyes, I can tell myself it all the time but I am not fine. It's only seven in the morning and my day is already going to crap. Everything is out of place. I took a shower last night, yet my body and hair is heavy with filth. I got a decent amount of sleep, yet my eyes are dry and my head is pounding. Yesterday my uniform was too loose, today, my uniform is too tight. Last night I went to sleep without a care in the world, right now my whole world feels like it's crashing around me.

But everything's fine, because my bed is made, my bathroom is clean, and I am dressed for school. My brothers can be heard downstairs most likely arguing in the kitchen. So they're fine too.

One shout, loud enough for me to hear echoes throughout the house breaks my gaze away from the mirror. Massimo called me downstairs.

If I stay right here will they let me stay home today? Can I go unnoticed by my brothers? It's when he shouts again I realize that they will never just not notice my presence. Which means I have to go to school.

Reluctant, I grab my back pack off my desk chair, drag myself away from the mirror I was staring into, and then quietly shut my door. I walk like a dead man across the hall, down the stairs, through the foyer, and into the kitchen.

Everyone sits at their spots. Massimo is in his suit. Emilio is wearing grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt. Dominic wears a sleeveless t-shirt, workout shorts on his legs. It seems like I am the only one wearing my uniform because Lucien is in his workout clothes similar to Dominic's.

"Hey sweetheart c'mere." Emilio waves catching my presence at the doorway first. Their heads all whip over to me. Dominic being way too energetic, runs up to me and squeezes me extra tight in a hug.

"You look so cute." He gushes, he says this every morning when I walk down in my uniform. Without fail. Finally he lets go and I go over to Massimos outstretched arms.

"You seem upset today Flo." He states. Pulling me back so he can check my temperature. "You aren't warm or anything." He shakes his head. I shrug it off, making my way around the table. I am in no mood to converse with anyone today. My stomach is eating itself. A fresh set of tears are waiting to be released.

Emilio sways me while he hugs me. It makes me dizzy and nauseous. Lucien gets up from his seat to kiss my forehead before grabbing more food waiting on the counter.

"Sit down Florence. Do you want pancakes?" Lucien asks from the counter. I shake my head no.

"You need to eat sweetheart."

I look away from Emilio. If I eat I will throw up. Four sets of eyes stare at me while I try to shrink into my seat. My leg bounces at twenty kilometres an hour. My heart thumping fast as if I just finished running a marathon... I only walked down the stairs.

"It's okay Florence," Massimo breaks the uncomfortable silence. "Sometimes I find breakfast unappetizing too. Just make sure you eat the lunch I packed for you alright?"

I look up and nod. Sometimes I feel like a robot: I walk, sit down, stare at my hands, nod, shake my head, look back down, look back up, and then look back down again. Such little actions, yet they take a tremendous amount of energy.