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eighteen

F L O R E N C E

I have done nothing for five days straight. It started with that one night. I was so sick that I passed out until noon the next day. Then I watched a movie with the boys. I couldn't focus though. My head was still spinning and I was so tired.

I barely made it to dinner before I passed out again, this time cuddling with Lucien on the couch. The following three days were about the same. I was tired, and groggy. Very dizzy too. The difference was that on those three days I was super hungry, I thought I was going to die from starvation. It was the same with water. I was dehydrated.

Yesterday was even worse if that was possible. I was starving, dehydrated, my bladder couldn't hold all the water I was drinking for more than an hour, I was tired, dizzy and then on top of everything else, my stomach began to hurt.

I have spent the past five days switching from my bed to the couch, and then back to my bed. Massimo has been taking time off work to watch over me. Lucien seems to have ditched school, which isn't good considering he needs to graduate or else he will have to do two victory laps of high school. Dominic skips the gym, and his hockey practice to stay by me and to cheer me up. Emilio is about to explode with worry. He hovers over me every ten minutes to check my vitals.

I appreciate all the love.

It's nice being cared for. I trust them. But I still haven't spoken again. Not even to Massimo. I think I just feel too sick and tired to even bother.

Now, I'm on the couch, again. I'm watching some movie Lucien claims is the best movie ever. I say it's mediocre. But who am I to judge?

My stomach aches as if it is being twisted in opposite directions and it doesn't help that I'm so bored.

It's only noon and I have already watched too many movies, received enough brotherly cuddles, and ate far too many muffins that Massimo baked.

I can tell that they have decided to give me some distance. Maybe it was obvious on my face how bad I wanted to be alone.

So, Massimo being the most understanding person ever, sent Lucien and Emilio to work for the afternoon. He made Dominic go to a hockey thing so he is also out of the house. Sitting around all day was affecting them more than me.

Last time I checked Massimo was in his first floor office. He's been doing some work in there for about an hour. He's given me the space I needed. But now I'm not too sure if I even want that.

I feel stronger than I did yesterday but not by much. My cup of water ran out about forty-five minutes ago. I want to call him to help me up, to just do something that isn't sitting on the couch. But, I can't yell louder than a raspy whisper.

I'm so dehydrated that I can't even cry.

Which is frustrating because all I want to do is cry.

This cycle that seems to be my life is getting to be too overwhelming. I was taken from the only people I could call family. Brought to this one hundred year old house that was on the brink of breaking down, with a mom whose more than okay to smoke in the house. I lived ten solid years in a house with yellow nicotine stained walls, broken pieces of beer glasses, burnt out cigarette buds on the charred floor, and little to no food.

I was abused almost everyday. I was hit, punched, stabbed, cut, and poisoned. I did nothing to deserve any of that. I've known that since I turned ten. But I could never understand how no one noticed? I mean, I showed up to school with black eyes, I always looked tired, always had weird cuts or scars, I didn't speak, and I just kept getting skinnier and skinnier until nothing but skin and bones were left.