Summer Rains

12

TW: As*ult & Trauma

A/N: This chapter is pretty heavy so please proceed with caution, and don't hesitate to stop reading if it gets to be too much <3

2021

I fiddled nervously with my fingers as I watched Reuben make his way back to the parked car I leaned against. His eyes met with mine the full way, probably glad I came out. "I hope that didn't take too long." I shook my head, stuffing my hands into my pockets. 

"I-I want to go." He nodded giving me comforting smile. 

"Take as much time as you need." He squeezed my shoulder and got back into the driver's seat. I took a deep breath. You got this Danielle, it's just like how you usually talk to him. I nodded at the affirmation and forced myself off the road and into the damp grass. 

Most of the snow had been cleared from the path, but some bits were still there. The crunch of the snow and my heavy breathing were the only things I could hear as I neared the grave marked with his name. Something panged inside of me when I got close. It was so weird to feel, but it truly felt like he was there with me. 

I fiddles with my fingers once again as I crouched down to the grave, using my coat as a barrier between my bum and the snow. "Hey." I cringed at the simplicity of my words. "Sorry... I'm not that great at this." I shook my head but it snapped up when I swore I heard his laugh. It was distant but I swear I heard it. "I didn't even prepare what to say. But I realize that might be better, speaking from my heart I mean. 

I took another deep breath and instead of forcing words out, I tried letting them out. "I miss you." That was an understatement. There wasn't even a word invited that could describe what she felt. "I really hope you can hear me from your star. It's funny though..." I paused looking up to the gray clouds. "Just a year ago I didn't believe any of this, but now it's all I want to believe. U want to believe that you can hear me when I reach out to you. That whenever I feel that but of warmth when I curled up in bed crying. I hope that it comes from you."

"And if you were here you would probably say some smart-ass thing from one of your books and I would call you names and poke fun at you for it, but your quotes and passion for those words on a page made me feel so inspired and comforted." I shut my eyes as I felt the tears. "I hope that I won't ever have to say goodbye, because you can still hear me." My voice broke under the tears. "Because if it's not true then I never got to say goodbye." Tears were strolling down my cheeks now and I didn't even care. 

"And if I never said goodbye, then I would never be the same knowing that the last words you heard from me were through an insensitive voicemail." I pulled out my lighter from my pocket and lit one of the candles on the stone. "You once told me that the fire from a candle is what guides you, not the candle." And I got it, but never related to it. Now I see it completely. Even if the candle is gone..." I watched the fire on the candle, "I can still see you. Not physically." I added. "But I hear your words every day, there isn't a second that goes by that you are never in my heart or mind. You're my fire. My fire that will never go out." 

"How'd it go?" Reuben asked, lifting his seat from its reclined position. 

"It went very well." I smiled. I realized that meeting with Felix was more of a visit for her. She needed to hear her words, probably more than anyone else did including the boy she said it to.

"I'm glad to hear that, ready to go back?" I nodded and buckled myself in as Reuben started the engine and began driving off. I already felt eager to come back. 

When I got home I finished my mom with the decorations, already feeling so much lighter. once we were all done, and both mom and I were sure that dad wouldn't go on a suicide mission just to decorate, I went upstairs and did the only thing that seemed to bring me comfort. Reading. I never thought I'd say that but it's true. I should thank Felix for the healthy habit.