Summer Rains

15

 2021:

"Hey." I smiled at the awkward greeting that I know coined for every time I visited Felix. "Happy New Years. Gosh, can you believe it, already 21?" I paused and decided to get comfortable and lie down on the grassy floor. 

"It's almost my birthday," I told him. "The big nineteen." I paused once again and inhaled a large breath as the grass around me swayed in the wind. "The only person I want there is you though." I had gotten better at visiting, but I still cried every time. I underestimated how strong I could be this time however when I felt the tears well up. "I wish you were here every waking second."

We both were quiet, even the wind and nature around us quieted down. "That might not ever change. People- my therapist." I groaned her name out. "Tell me that I should be over it, and move past it. Don't live in the past." I mocked my dad's words. "But I never wanna forget. Being stuck in the past and living in your honor are two separate things."

I rested against my forearms and stared at the grey stone. "Can I be honest? I haven't told anyone this, but nothing was worth it when I lost you. You carried a part of me with you. A very important part of me." The wind picked up again, but the noise was more comf0rting than silence. "I know it's cliche, but there was truly nothing left to live for. I went through so many phases."

"Angry." I began. "Angry at you for leaving me behind with nothing and no one else. Everyone around me; your mom, Reuben, my parents. They all just let it happen and I hated them for it. And most importantly myself. Myself because I couldn't save you, because I don't have you here with me." 

"Sadness. So much pain and sadness to the point where it overtook me and I couldn't fight it. I gave into the broken parts of me that you nurtured every single day. But without you, I broke it further. I let it become me and it only made the hurt worse. Worse because I realized then how much I depended on you."

"Last... Worry. Because I couldn't see anything but the past." My mind brought me back to the time when I felt like I was in a dark secluded cave, the only light that came from within and showed down on the past. The good and the past, all of it. All resulted in pain because the only good ones were with the one I lost. The present and future were concealed by the dark veil, and there was no way out. "And it worried me because the only thing I could do was look at the past, it was the only thing that kept me alive. I was worried I would never get to see myself graduate, see me get promoted, see me get married, and start a family. But most of all I was worried none of that would be worth it without you." 

"I dreamed every day that I would see you again." Tears rolled down my cheeks. "When I went to bed I would hug and surround myself with pillows, tricking my brain it was you. At night, while your star looked down upon me I dreamed of you and I. And the future that was t-torn away from-m us." Taking a shaky breath I calmed myself before continuing. "And when I woke up all I could do was cry and feel all three of those emotions all over again when you weren't there. And you're texts never came through. Or your room was empty." 

"I brought you some things." I quickly changed the subject and pulled out the three books from my bag. "You're two favorites, The Alchemist and Frankenstein." I moved the two and held up the last book. "And Bridge to Terribithea, my personal favorite." I smiled gently as I opened up the pages. "I tried my best to mark the quotes that I felt strongly to like you taught me. 

Assuring myself that it would all be okay, I began reading the first quote I marked. "For the first time in his life he got up every morning with something to look forward to." 

"This quote made me cry." Was all I could say after reading. "Because it reminds me of the feeling you gave me, so I kept a quote that would never let me forget that." I cleared my throat before reading the next. 

"...she had left him stranded there – like an astronaut wandering about on the moon. Alone." 

"I was so mad at you," I whispered. "Because you made me feel alive and brought me out of the nightmare that was my life. You gave me hope for the future. I'm trying to see if that hope died with you."

"Last one," I said looking back down onto the book, tears spreading like watercolor along the pages.  "After you stayed for a while and grew strong you had to move on."

"I have to move on, you were my everything. But now it's my turn to take that loyalty and belief that you placed in me and make it my own. It's time for me to be my everything, with you holding my hand along the way." I welcomed the tears as I opened up to Frankenstein. 

" Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change."  I read aloud. Holding the book in one hand, and whipping my tear-ridden face ith the other. "I'm ashamed to admit i laughed at this one. Because it's an absolute understatement when it comes to me. I never told you this, but I recked one of the library shelves because someone had taken the book you were reading when we shared our first kiss." I shook my head, embarrassed by the memory. 

I flipped the pages to the next pink sticky note. "Even broken in spirit as he is, no one can feel more deeply than he does the beauties of nature. The starry sky, the sea, and every sight afforded by these wonderful regions, seems still to have the power of elevating his soul from earth." 

"I feel like this one's pretty self-explanatory. I think some people think I'm an absolute nut case for talking to a star because I see it as you every night." I nodded to myself. "But I don't care. Because if talking to the sky is the thing that gets me through life then so be it. And I underlined broken because that word now makes me so happy. Thanks for that." 

I cleared my throat as I read the next one. "...if I see but one smile on your lips when we meet, occasioned by this or any other exertion of mine, I shall need no other happiness." I laughed as I read it, and blushed a bit. "Is this flirting?" I laughed again. "I love your dumb smile and how mad it would make me sometimes." I paused and thought of an example. "Like when we debated the homework answer on something and I was so sure! But then we got to class and you were right. And that smile!" I groaned at the memory. "That stupid cocky smile made me want to kiss and punch you all at the same time." 

I recovered from my laughing. "You're smile meant so much to me." I sighed and picked up the final book. "I've read this book out loud to you countless times, I actually have it almost memorized. But it's become my favorite book. I opened up The Alchemist. "I've read this book so many times but have completely missed this quote and I don't know how I did it."

"Every blessing ignored becomes a curse."

"I underlined this one a while back, but just because it sounded poetic. But now I see that you were my blessing and if I listen to everyone and forget you. Then I'll only fall deeper into the curse that is never loving anything or anyone ever again. So here is my promise to you right now. Because you are my bridge to Terabithia. You are the one who took me from my misery and made me alive. You are my creator who took the broken inside of me and nurtured it to make sure I didn't give into nature. And you are my blessing. A blessing I will never forget."