The Holiday (A Tom Hiddleston Fanfic)

Fear

"Its been a hard week Mum, thank God tomorrow is Friday" he said flopping onto the sofa, kicking off his boots " Luke's been a star, you'd be amazed how hard he was with her. I really don't know what I would do without him." They chatted for a while about everything and nothing. He promised to call again at the weekend and hung up with a "love you mum". How soon could he go to Suffolk, he wondered. It had been too long. His mum would know what to do, how to cope. He damn well didn't.

He rubbed his eyes as his head lolled back against the cushions. He was tired, so tired. Tired of pretending he was the bad one in all this mess, tired of hearing the sympathy for that bitch that destroyed his happiness and most of all he was tired of being sad. For that was what he was 24/7. Sad. And lonely. Yes, he had Luke and his mum and decent friends who'd stuck by him, but the one person he wanted above all others was gone. He'd destroyed her love for him. He was a coward and a fool. He should have.... oh stop it, he told himself, should have's didn't fix anything. If indeed it could be fixed.

All this now was for his Little Mermaid. Of course it was for him too, so he could be free of the conniving... he couldn't bring himself to describe Emily without profanity... but it was really, truthfully, for her. If only he could have the chance to tell her. Just once, that he still loved her. He never stopped. The last 8 or was it 9 weeks had been hell. He never wanted to feel this way ever again. He'd just about decided to end it all by drowning a bath full of good malt whisky (both, he reasoned, impractical and horrifically expensive) when the doorbell rang. Groaning, he hauled himself upright and checked the bell monitor. Couldn't be too careful at the moment. What with the press and all. He needn't have worried. It was Luke. "C'mon in buddy" he said through the intercom and buzzed him in.

"Hi Tom" Luke breezed in, plopping down on the armchair nearest him. "What's fresh? Caused any scandal in the last few hours?" He ducked as Tom threw a cushion at him. Laughing he came back up, "so, I have a treat for you. Cheer that excruciatingly ugly mug of yours up for once. Henry V at The Donmar, tomorrow night. I'm assuming your packed social calendar has a space for an old friend? You, me and a curry after. What do you say?" He stretched out, looking very nonchalant, although inside he was desperately trying to keep calm. This had better work.

Tom came and flopped back down. Covering his eyes with his hands as he leaned back, he muttered " oh I don't know. Can't really face it - the public" he sighed. "I'm getting a roasting on social media you know?" He looked across at Luke who shrugged and said " 2 things about that ...1. I told you to stay off socials and 2. I think you'll find the tide us about to turn in your favour. Just hold your nerve. Oh and 3. These tickets are as rare as rocking horse shit so you're damn well going, cost me a bloody fortune!"
Tom laughed and held up his hands "Ok ok ok, I give in. Henry it is. What time will I pick you up?"
"You wont, I've got an appointment in town just before so I'll meet you there. Usual curtain up 730." He hoped he sounded more convincing than he felt. Tom simply nodded without further comment. They watched a bit of tv, studiously avoiding anything remotely resembling news, and then Luke left, an early call with Japan to organise a press zoom call for the new series meaning he needed to get an early night.

Closing the door as he left, Tom turned and lent on the back of it. His eyes fell on a framed photo on a side table. He'd put in on display as soon as Emily was gone. Trying to pretend that it would be an omen of things to come. It was two divers, underwater and for all the world they looked like they were kissing. He reached over and picked it up.

Carrying the photo like a precious relic, he went upstairs. Putting it beside his bed, he took a shower, Falling into bed, he felt exhausted yet again from the stress of the whole sorry situation. What he wouldn't give to be back on that blanket looking up at the stars. In his mind he could hear the music, see them dancing, see them... he shook his head to stop the images before they overwhelmed him.
He reached over for the photo, taking it in both hands and holding it to his chest. He spoke to her softly, trying to persuade himself she could hear him.

"Oh my Little Mermaid" he whispered " I miss you. Please, come back darling. I'll do anything, go anywhere, give up whatever it takes, I promise, just please come back to me". Tom felt tears sting his eyes and closing them, felt his lashes wet against his cheeks. As he fell asleep, his mind kept repeating the same phrase, 'forgive me'.