assigned emotion

24: release

tanner

Tanner stared expectantly at the psychologist, his heart racing.

"No, we won't be sending you to a psych ward. Though you're clearly mentally ill, you don't seem to be in any immediate danger. We'll get you in touch with a therapist and up your antidepressant dosage, but other than that, you're alright. Am I correct?"

"Yeah, I'm not gonna hurt myself, but..." Theo trailed off, looking up at Tanner. He could tell exactly what he was thinking.

"Is that it? We're done?" He asked, incredulous.

"Yes, you are. Let me go grab the papers and come back to you." The doctor dismissed herself, leaving Tanner and Theo alone in the room.

      "Is that it?" Theo whispered, glancing up at Tanner in confusion.

       "Yeah, I guess so," he replied, wrapping his arm over Theo's shoulders and resting his head atop his.

Confusion and worry pulsed through him. That's it? We're done? He knew that hospitals couldn't take everyone, but Theo had tried to kill himself only 7 hours prior to their visit! Was he not high on the list of people who needed to stay? His mind raced as he gently stroked Theo's shoulder, chewing on his lip.

       "Alright," said the doctor, reentering the room with a stack of papers. "Here's some references to local therapists, just tell them you were sent here and they'll contact us. We'll get you someone soon. I need you to fill out this paperwork here, then you're free to go." Tanner took the papers from her hands, flipping to the discharge paperwork and reading it over. There were a few questions he had to answer, plus a spot for a signature. "Your aunt has been contacted, she's aware of the situation. She said it's alright for him to sign you out and take you home, okay?" She said to Theo, who nodded in reply. "I'm going to leave you two now, just hand in the discharge papers to the front desk before you go. Feel better, Theo," she gently spoke, and then was gone.

      "Okay," Tanner whispered to Theo, ruffling his hair. "That's all, then." He ran through the questions, asking Theo the answers to more personal ones, and had him sign the bottom. "Ready to go?"

     "Yeah, I guess," Theo mumbled, staring at his feet.

     "Were you lying to her?" Tanner asked softly. Theo glanced up at him in surprise, confusion painted clearly across his face. "I mean, are you really okay? Are you gonna hurt yourself again?"

      "Eventually, I'm sure I will, but no time soon. I'm just too tired," Theo sighed, standing up slowly. "Let's just go." Tanner followed him out, handing in the papers and leading Theo to his car. He started it, but stopped before driving off.

     "Doesn't this feel wrong to you?" He slowly asked, turning to look at Theo. "Like, what if you were lying? What if we got home and you just tried again?"

      "I don't know," Theo said softly, staring out the window. "I didn't physically hurt myself, so they couldn't send me to a real wing of the hospital. They can only take my word as to whether or not I'm gonna hurt myself, but I don't know. I just don't know." Tanner nodded, absently gazing at his hands on the steering wheel.

      "I just- shouldn't they have talked to you alone? What if you were uncomfortable saying something around me? And they just called your aunt? Shouldn't she have picked you up? I don't have legal custody over you!" Tanner drily laughed, his voice rising in volume as he spoke.

      "But there's nothing I'm uncomfortable saying around you?" Theo said, his tone questioning.

     "Yes, but they don't know that. It just feels so wrong," Tanner finished softly, glancing at Theo.

     "I'm okay," he murmured, smiling sadly at Tanner. "Really. It's okay."

     "No, you aren't," Tanner said gently, reaching out and touching Theo's cheek. "But that's okay. I'll keep you safe."

...

When they got home, Theo simply collapsed into bed, falling asleep within seconds. Tanner, on the other hand, couldn't sleep at all. His mind kept replaying the moments on the roof deck, his heart racing whenever he closed his eyes. Theo felt so far away from him now- he'd known that he was suffering, but he never understand the extent of his pain. It hurt him so deeply to know that Theo was as miserable as he now displayed. Tanner's heart ached whenever he thought of it; Theo- this kind boy he'd only recently gotten to know- was enduring a pain so heavy that he'd believed the only way he could escape it was to end his own life. Tears began to prickle in his eyes once more, so he rolled over to face Theo in his bed. He was sound asleep, mouth open slightly, hair a mess. When sleeping, he didn't seem to be so tortured anymore. He just looked like someone deep in slumber. Tanner was so glad Theo didn't get nightmares like he did, he knew from experience that they were absolutely terrible. Reaching out, he brushed some hair out of his face and bit back a sob. He's alright now, Tanner thought to himself, chewing his lip. I won't let him get away from me.

...

Theo woke silently, his eyes fluttering open, then squeezing back shut at the unexpectedly bright light. Tanner smiled softly at him, running a hand through his hair.

"Morning," he softly said. He'd been unable to sleep at all, but he was glad that Theo had.

"Hi," he replied, his lip twitching ever so slightly.

"How are you feeling?" Tanner asked as Theo squinted at him.

"Okay. I don't know," he mumbled, pulling himself into Tanner's arms. "Still sleepy," Theo spoke, muffled by Tanner's shoulder. "Can we go back to bed?"

"Of course," Tanner whispered, holding him against his chest. He forced his eyes shut, burying his face in Theo's hair.

This time, he actually did fall asleep.

AN

hello again!!!! i wanted to say that my writing here surrounds my own experience in mental hospitals, and I wanted to portray how dismissive they are of some cases. i have many personal issues with the mental health system, but I try to keep my writing separate from my beliefs. therefore, Theo's experience in the hospital comes from mine, so if it doesn't relate to someone else's, it's because it's based around what I've seen. thanks again for reading!!

-ja