assigned emotion

23: hospital

theo

Tanner wrapped Theo tighter in a fluffy blanket, worry showing in his honey colored eyes.

          "Are you sure that you're warm enough?" Theo nodded again, only half listening.

Tanner kept fussing over him, sitting still for no longer than two minutes before getting up again to check him over. His big worried eyes just made Theo's guilt even heavier, but all the words he wanted to say- needed to say- just wouldn't come out.

Words like: I love you, I'm sorry, I'll leave now, please leave me, don't go, I can't do this, I'm so sorry, I love you too, please hold me, please, I'm sorry, Tanner, please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm-

           "Theo!" Tanner suddenly cried, grabbing him by his arms. "Hey! Come back to me!"

      "What?" He whispered, looking up at Tanner with tears spilling down his cheeks. He hadn't even realized he'd been crying until there were enough tears pouring from his face to fill a bathtub.

     "Baby, what am I supposed to do?" Tanner cried suddenly, tears flowing down his face. "Theo, I don't know what to do. You're not here anymore! Please, Theo-"

         "Tanner," Theo whispered, putting his hand on his cheek. "It's okay. You've been so good- you've been perfect. I'm so grateful, Tanner. You've already done so much more than you've needed to. Thank you," he whispered, swallowing hard. "But Tanner, this is too much. I can't put this on you. This isn't your responsibility. I can't drag you through this, I can't make you care for me like this. I'm so grateful Tanner, thank you, thank you." Tanner squeezed his eyes shut, bottom lip quivering, and leaned into Theo's hand.

      "Okay," he whispered. "Okay. What should we do?"

       "I think we have to go to the hospital."

...

For the entirety of the car ride, Tanner was silent. He would stare dead ahead for extended periods of time, completely unflinching, but then his face would crumple and he would sob suddenly, burying his face in the hand he wasn't steering with. It hurt Theo so bad to see him like that. He'd always heard people say that 'you'd be missed if you killed yourself' and 'you are loved', but it had been impossible for him to understand until he'd almost done it. Never had he truly known how much Tanner cared about him until he'd almost left him, and he felt so stupid. Of course Tanner liked him, of course he did. I'm such an idiot. He still didn't understand why, but nevertheless he knew it to be true. He'd also never thought suicide to be selfish, but seeing Tanner so disheveled and shocked by it truly broke him more deeply than his own attempt itself. He felt like a monster, a complete and utter monster.

       "We're here," Tanner whispered, pulling into the parking lot closest to the emergency room.

Theo exited the car, letting Tanner take his hand and guide him into the hospital.

    "It's okay," he mumbled, squeezing Theo's hand. "I'll figure it out."

...

Theo had been expecting the looks, the coughing, the beeping, and the smell- but not the wait. He understood that a mental health issue could be shoved farther down the line than a physical one, but after four hours ticked by he began to feel antsy.

     "How are you feeling?" Tanner murmured just next to his ear.

      "Numb," Theo mumbled back, leaning his head into his shoulder. "I'm just tired," he added.

      "Sleep, then. I'll wait for them to call on us." Theo nodded, too exhausted to put up a fight, and buried his face into Tanner's neck.

It felt like he'd been asleep for both a minute and a year at the same time when Tanner gently shook him awake.