assigned emotion

14: wrists

theo

"Tanner, I don't know how to promise that," Theo whispered as Tanner pulled back slightly so he could see Theo's face.

"Promise me you won't hurt yourself. That's how you do it," he said insistently as Theo bit his lip.

"I... I can't do that." Pain coursed through Theo's body at Tanner's expression sank.

"I can't- fuck," he whispered, tracing circles over Theo's hands. "Oh, fuck."

"I'm sorry, Tanner," he mumbled, Tanner squeezing his hands gently. "I just- I can't promise you that when I can't see the future. Right now, I'm okay. However, I don't know what'll happen next. Tomorrow's our last day before school on Monday, I can't stop thinking about my parents, I can't stop thinking about you." Theo felt panic bubble up in his chest, he didn't know what to do.

"I'll be right here the whole time, okay?" Theo nodded slightly, somewhat comforted. Tanner lay down next to him, but then sat back up quickly. "Show me your wrists."

"What?" Theo instinctively pulled his arms away, nervous.

"Theo, show me your fucking wrists." There's slight fear in Tanner's amber eyes, scaring Theo more. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to swear. I just- I'm sorry, Theo," he quickly babbled.

"I don't want to," he murmured, h shaking his head and staring at his hands guiltily.

"Please. Just- just let me see." Theo turned his gaze to Tanner, tears sliding softly down his face. He was surprised to see the gentle compassion in Tanner's eyes, the fear, anxiety, sadness, and hope mingling into the warm brown of his irises.

"Okay," he whispered, shaking as he holds his arms in front of Tanner. He gently peeled back the sleeves of his hoodie and hesitated.

"Wait, are you sure? I don't wanna scare you into showing me something you don't want to. Please don't feel like you have to show me these. It's okay."

"Yeah, it's okay. I trust you." Tanner turned his worried face toward Theo, nodding and glancing back down at his outstretched arms. He slowly turned them both over, gazing at them nervously. A sob escapes his lips and he pressed the back of his hand over his mouth.

"Th...Theo... oh, love." Two vertical scars line Theo's wrists, faded to white.

"In eighth grade I was really fucked up. I tried... I tried to kill myself. It didn't work, I didn't make the cuts deep enough. Fuck, I couldn't even kill myself right," he joked sadly, trying to lighten the mood despite holding back tears.

"Thank god you didn't. Theo, you don't even..." Tanner trailed off, tears now rolling down his face.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry," Theo whispered, shame coursing through him.

"Don't apologize, love," he pulled Theo into his arms, collapsing onto his back and pulling his down with him. "It's okay."

Love? He's calling me love?

"I don't wanna scare you, or make you uncomfortable," Theo whispered into Tanner's chest, burying his face into the warmth of his body.

"Fuck. It's not that, I just feel bad. I don't wanna think about you going through that." Tanner stretched his arms all the way around Theo, squeezing him tight. "Speaking of which, why'd you try to kill yourself?"

"I realized I wasn't straight." Tanner was quiet for a second, making Theo nervous.

"How'd you know?" His question caught Theo off guard a bit, but he was just grateful that he hadn't freaked Tanner out.

"I just found myself liking boys the way I liked girls. It wasn't like gender had gender to do with it, I would just like someone for them, you know?" Tanner nodded.

"Just so it's clear, I completely accept you," Tanner quickly said, shifting slightly. "In case I didn't, like, already say that."

"Thanks." Tanner ran his hand through Theo's hair, pressing his lips to the top of his head.

"Please, just, if you do hurt yourself, please tell me. I wanna know, just to make sure you're okay and didn't, I don't know, do too much. I wanna be there for you." Theo nods.

"I'll try, thank you." Tanner rubbed the back of his head gently, exhaling a heavy breath.

"I can't lose you, Theo." Theo froze again, even more confused.

"Why?" Tanner sighed, nuzzling his head again.

           "Because I really like you, Theo," he said gently. "I'm more myself around you. I'm happier. I can't imagine a world without you." Theo squeezed his eyes shut and pressed himself into Tanner, wishing he could just melt into his body.

         "Oh, Tanner," he softly sighed. "I don't wanna leave you, either." A few minutes of peaceful silence followed, both boys finding themselves unexpectedly comfortable in each other's grasp.

"You wanna sleep here?" Tanner's voice snapped Theo out of his half-asleep daze, and before he even realized it, he found himself nodding against Tanner's chest.

"Yeah. I wanna make sure you're still here and I want you to know that I'm still here." Theo pressed himself closer into Tanner's arms, his heart slowly breaking.

"I'm sorry I scared you," Tanner whispered.

"I think I could say the same."

|||

Theo stared sleepily out the car window, a slight rain streaking through the sky. He was sad to have to go to school tomorrow, but happy to have Tanner by his side.

"Can we talk?" Tanner sounded a bit uncomfortable, worrying Theo.

"Of course, what's up?" Tanner hesitates as he pulled the car into a Dunkin' Donuts drive-through, for breakfast and their can discuss.

"I'm worried about you." Theo scrunched up his brow, confused.

"What do you mean?" Tanner sighed, obviously becoming uncomfortable with the conversation.

"I mean- just- I've been worried! I could hardly even sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about you. Theo, I..." He looked away, lost.

"You couldn't sleep because of me?" Theo was both touched and heavy with guilt. Shit.

"Yeah. Theo, you just keep... fuck. This is harder then I thought it would be." Tanner pulled up to the window and quickly ordered, turning back to Theo.

"I'm sorry," he responded, feeling way too ashamed.

"See, this is what's stressing me out!" Tanner ran his fingers through his hair, exasperated.

"Tanner, please talk to me."