assigned emotion

4: possibly a bad idea

tanner

"You.. what?" Tanner backed up slightly. Theo rolled his eyes, rubbing his face.

         "No, not like that. It was my fault, though. I..." Theo's voice broke off as he bit his lip and glanced away. It was clear he was holding back another swell of tears.

          "It's okay, I'm here." Tanner swallowed back his dislike for Theo and sat next to him, gently wrapping his arm around him. Theo melted into his side, sobbing.

        "It's all my fault... it's all..." Tanner held him close, clenching his jaw.

          "Come on, was it really? Tell me exactly what happened."

        "W-we were in the c-car and my dad was m-mad at me and turned to look at me, then swerved into the wrong lane and we got hit by a truck." He stopped, letting out a sob. His words were diluted by hiccupy cries. "They.. they both died... but I lived. I wasn't even fucking harmed! Why me?"

Even more guilt racks Tanner. Why me? That was what he had said when he was forced to guide Theo. He'd never felt more selfish.

        "Oh, Theo, I'm so sorry. Truly, I am. You have to understand that that's not your fault, okay?" Theo nodded slowly, then shakes his head.

         "No, if he wasn't angry they'd both still be alive!"

        "Theo, he was angry! That's not on you! Be grateful you're okay, right?"

         "I wish I'd died with them," he cried, shaking.

        "Don't say shit like that, Theo. Theo." He grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at him. "You can't say that." He couldn't help the panic that choked him. He couldn't deal with this shit again.

        "What if I mean it?" Tanner gently nudged some hair out of his face so he could see his eyes. His swollen, green, sunken in eyes.

         "Shush. You don't mean it. You can't." He stopped, staring intently at Theo. "Did you say earlier that you didn't have a home?"

         "My aunt let me stay at her house the past week because she's my only relative, but now she's kicking me out."

          "What? Why?" Tanner felt Theo's body tense against him.

           "Tanner... I'm... it's because...," he stares up at him, anxiety showing in his eyes. What is he so scared of? Does he think I'm gonna hurt him? "It's because she's homophobic." Tanner was confused, but then the intent of his words dawned on him.

         "You're gay?" He didn't care. So what?

        "I'm pan. I've got nowhere to go," he whispered. "I just..." he started, then was interrupted by a sob. "I just don't wanna be alone anymore," he cried, his body shaking with tears as he makes himself even smaller.

     "Did you apply for foster care or adoption or something?"

      "Do you have any idea how long that takes? Even if I got put into a home, it would take a while to get there. Plus, who's to say they'll even treat me well? I just- I'm scared- I don't-" he cut himself off, staring down at his lap.

        "Your aunt has to take you in. That's illegal. Take her to court."

        "Again, that'll take forever. I've got nowhere to go."

         "Nowhere?" An idea popped into Tanner's brain, one that he hated. Hardly an idea, more an intrusive thought.

          "Nowhere."

          "What if... what if you stayed with me?" Theo turned his huge green eyes to Tanner, shocked. God, his eyes were so big and innocent.

"You don't even like me!" Tanner rolled his eyes, loosening his grip on Theo.

"I don't have to like you to feel bad for you and to want to do the right thing."

"Tanner, I... I don't understand. Why would you ever take me in? You hate me!"

"Theo, I don't hate you. Again, I don't like you, but I do not hate you." Theo's eyes welled up with tears again.

"That's the nicest thing anyone's ever offered me..." Theo's mouth hung slightly open in absolute awe.

"It's no big deal." Tanner turned to him, a bit confused. "Seriously. Fuck, you just lost your parents and your own family won't accept you? Of course I'll help you, even if I did hate you I still would. I'm not a good person, but I can still do nice things, occasionally." Theo's lip quivered and he motioned like he was going to hug Tanner, but hesitated. 

"Are you doing this to hurt me?" The pain in Theo's eyes was from such a deep suffering, Tanner felt a wave of heartbreak pass through him for this stupid dork.

"Theo, you know I can't hurt you," he said slowly. Theo visually analyzed him, trying to tell if he was being honest.

"Please don't hurt me," he said weakly. "I just- I don't have the energy anymore. I can't deal with it." What have you gone through?

"I won't. I swear. Just come stay with me, I want to know you're safe." Theo's face completely changed from pure agony to absolute gratitude.

"Thank you, thank you. You don't even understand how much this means to me, I can't-" Theo collapsed against him, burying his face in his chest. Once again, his body shook with tears. 

"I... it's no big deal!" Tanner pulled away, standing up. He reached an arm down to pull Theo to his feet. With a yank, Theo stood in front of him, a bit too close. Their faces were about an inch away from each other, and of course Tanner involuntarily blushed.

"Thank you," Theo whispered, his tiny voice melting Tanner to his core. He was in such a vulnerable state that Tanner felt almost intrusive being near him.

"It's no big deal," he shrugged, grabbing Theo's wrist and pulling him out of the bathroom.

"Where are we going?" His usual sarcasm was replaced by pure emptiness, sending a jolt of disappointment through Tanner. He used to be so lively, and Tanner had almost forgotten all the pain he was in when Theo had hugged him. He'd seemed so happy. Did I really make him that happy?

"My house." Theo stopped, turning Tanner around.

"Tanner, it's the middle of lunch. School isn't even near over."

"Like I care." Theo's eyes widened, he looked nervous. "What, you've never ditched school?"

"No! I would never...I can't even drive!" Tanner laughed, shaking his head.

"Theo, too scared to ditch? You just missed a full week!" Theo looked broken again.

"That was because I was grieving and at a funeral." Tanner sighed, pulling him through the doors.

"Come on, we're leaving."