assigned emotion

19: the uprise

theo

Theo snapped awake, a metaphorical and physical weight on his chest. Tanner's head lay on his collarbone, his cheeks still stained with tears. Theo glanced at the clock on the desk, it was 2 AM. He rolled onto his side, holding Tanner to his chest. Pressing his cheek against the top of his head, he let a tear slowly slide out of his eye. Nothing felt right anymore. He could feel a bad state of depression was on its way. Tanner suddenly shifted slightly, lifting up his head in confusion.

"Theo? Why are you crying?" He said sleepily, gently brushing his tears off of his face with his thumb as his eyes widened.

"I don't feel so good." Tanner supported his jaw with his hand, confused.

"Don't worry, we can just get you some medicine for that." Theo curled up against Tanner's chest, safe in his arms.

"Not my physical health, it's mental." Tanner pushed some stray hair out of Theo's eyes.

"You won't hurt yourself, right?" Theo was silent, squeezing his eyes shut. "Theo! Open your eyes and look at me." Theo obeyed, blinking open his eyes as tears spilled out of them.

"I can't promise that. I can't. I don't know myself when I'm depressed." Tanner closed his eyes, pressing his nose against Theo's.

"I can't lose you, I don't know who I am without you. Oh, Theo. I wish you could see how wonderful you are." Theo shook his head.

"You've only known me for a few months, it wouldn't bother you much." Tanner snapped his eyes open, pressing his hands against Theo's cheeks.

"It would destroy me." Theo leaned into his hand, his tears dampening it.

"You'd be okay." Tanner grabbed Theo's chin, forcing him to look at him.

"I'd never forgive myself."

"Forgive yourself for what?"

"Letting you go."

|||

"Morning, green eyes." Tanner pulled Theo to his feet.

"Hi." Theo felt completely numb, emotionless.

"Everything okay?" Tanner rubbed Theo's cheek gently, frowning nervously.

"I'm fine." Theo shouldered his backpack, staring blankly at the wall. Tanner sat next to him, turning his stool so they were facing each other.

"Talk to me." Tanner looked scared, his eyes bigger then normal.

"I.. I can feel that my depression is coming back. It never really leaves, it just dulls down."

"I'm so sorry, Theo." Theo snapped his face up to him angrily, grabbing his hand.

"Don't apologize. I need you to understand that this has nothing to do with you. Tell me you understand that."

"I... I don't know. It just seems a bit odd, the timing? Are you sure it has nothing to do with me?" Theo grabbed the sides of his face, glaring into his eyes.

"NOTHING to do with you. Absolutely nothing. Please say you understand that, please?" Tanner bit his lip, hesitating. Theo rolled his eyes, grabbing his chin. "I swear. I promise you, you could never make me feel this sad."

"How bad is it?" The fear returned in Tanner's eyes.

"Stop avoiding my question. Tell me that you know you could never make me this sad."

"Now you're avoiding mine!" Tanner looked away, obviously upset.

"I'll answer yours as soon as you tell me that we're clear."

"Fine. Fine, Theo, I believe you. Now tell me how bad it really is." Theo collapsed against his chest.

"It's pretty bad, Tanner," he whispered, hugging him tightly.

"Theo.." Tanner murmured, sounding heart broken. He holds his head to his chest sadly, confusion flashing across his face.

"I'm sorry, Tanner. I'm so sorry, for everything. I'm such a mess, a fuckup, and I'm putting all my problems on you. And trust me, that's a lot of shit." Theo turned his tear stained eyes up to him, his lip wobbling with the threat of more tears.

"What? Jesus, Theo! You know that I could never feel like that! You're not a fuckup, you're perfect." He blushed, surprised. "I, uhm, oops? I, shit, that was weird, I'm sorry, what?" He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. "Anyways, uh, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'll always listen, but... have you ever considered therapy? I don't- I don't know much about all this mental health stuff- and I want to help- but... it's just- it's it of my league, you know?" He looked away, his cheeks crimson. Theo pulled his face closer and pressed his nose to his.

"Thank you. For everything." Tanner smiles slightly, hugging him again. "I guess I'd try therapy or something, I just don't know how to go about it. Normally my mom would set something like that up, but..." he trailed off.

"You don't have to thank me, Theo. Let me try to help you. I'll figure out how to go about this whole therapy thing. Just let me deal with it, okay?"

         "Okay."