assigned emotion

22: aftermath

theo

Desperation soared through Theo's body. He needed to do it. He'd never had enough confidence to actually go through with it, he needed to kill himself before Tanner convinced him not to.

"Please," Tanner sobbed, shaking. He just wouldn't stop crying. Theo had hardly ever seen him emotional like this, but now he seemed to be nearly suffocating through his sobs.

"Stop crying, Tanner!" He shook his head, lost.

"Please, please, please..." he sobbed, his breathing uneven. Theo felt confusion and pain weigh down his heart.

"Why are you so upset?" Tanner shook his head over and over.

"You just tried to fucking kill yourself!" His words were oddly pitchy and drawn out, like he was speaking through a sponge.

"Tanner, stop, you're scaring me. Breathe!" Tanner held Theo tighter.

"I'm- scaring- you?" His breathing was even more weird, like his lungs were shrinking.

"Tanner!" Theo grabbed his cheeks, horrified. "I think you're having a panic attack! Breathe with me, okay?" He inhaled and exhaled slowly, Tanner following his breaths.

"I'll be fine when you're okay." Tanner's tears just did not stop coming.

"Stop crying, you're scaring me! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. You weren't supposed to be here, this is all wrong!" Tanner pulled Theo to his chest, shielding him from the rain.

"I don't think you understand how much you mean to me, Theo!" Tanner's voice was suddenly angry. "If you had succeeded I would've been absolutely destroyed. You're my best friend. Before I met you, the only people I had were those asshole friends of mine. I couldn't be myself. But now I have you, and I'm never letting you go. Never. I love you. Theo goddamn Benson, I don't just love you, I'm in love with you. You're the reason I'm able to be me." Theo pulled his head away, ashamed.

"There's no possible way, Tanner, I don't believe you." Tanner panicked once more, his breathing pattern losing its stability.

"I can't lose you! I love you! Theo, I love you! Please, believe me. I can't do this, Theo," He collapsed backwards, supported by Theo's arms.

"Tanner! Please, it's okay! I... I- you don't want me to hurt myself, but you're hurting yourself! Please breathe normally!" Tanner's weak, flicking in and out of consciousness.

"Okay.." he murmured. He let himself breath in tandem with Theo until he was  finally back to normal.

"Why are you so upset over this?" Theo just couldn't wrap his mind around it.

"Have you even been listening to me? You just tried to kill yourself! I don't think you really know how much I love you." Theo rolled his eyes, wishing so desperately that what he was saying was true.

"You say that, yet I just know that you're lying." Tanner grabbed his chin, turning his face towards him.

"I'm not fucking lying to you. I love you, Theo." He pulled his face to Theo's, kissing his forehead ever so gently, like a butterfly's wings brushing by him. The rain poured down in sheets, but Theo hardly noticed. Tanner pulled away, still uncontrollably sobbing.

"Don't leave me." Theo leaned into his chest, crying just as hard now. "I can't let you go."

|||

Tanner rubbed Theo's hair with a towel, his eyes still red from crying. He pulled a hoodie over his head, rubbing his arms to warm him up.

"I'm fine, Tanner." Theo muttered emptily, but Tanner ignores him.

"Shush, I don't want you to catch a cold." He kissed his forehead once more, pushing his glasses onto his nose.

"Thank you, Tanner." He then rubbed his eyes with the oversized sleeves of Tanner's hoodie.

It had begun to occur to him how much he had to thank him for. Obviously for sharing his home, bed, clothes, and food- but his warmth, his kindness, and his comfort were somehow even more important. Theo just couldn't wrap his head around the idea that Tanner loved him. How could it possibly be, someone as absolutely wonderful as Tanner seeing anything in a mess like Theo? His heart ached from the absolute longing of his words to ring true, but he simply couldn't believe them.

He then allowed himself to consider how selfish he'd been. To kill himself by leaping off the roof of Tanner's apartment building? This was the one place he'd been able to call home for a long time now, and to end his life in such a location was sick. Not to mention, who would've found his corpse?. It could've been Tanner himself, or some poor family just trying to get into their home. The fall from the roof wasn't even that high, it was possible he could've survived anyway. The idea of having to explain to everyone why he'd attempted what he did and live the rest of his life physically damaged from it as well was torture. And of all people, Tanner. It was as though he'd been punishing him in particular, which was such a stupid oversight. The one person he didn't want to feel bad from this was Tanner, and it occurred to Theo that he'd be the one hurt the most.

"Thank you," he murmured again, burying his face in Tanner's shoulder. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

"Stop thanking me!" Tanner cried. "Thank you for listening to me and not hurting yourself. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you how much I loved you earlier, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

"Shut up, Tanner." Theo whispered, too exhausted to truly fight against him. "You saved my life. You know, after that first day back at school after my parents died, I was gonna overdose. I had it all planned out, I even had the pills in my bag. But then you came along. You're so stupid. So, so dumb. Oh, Tanner. Tanner. You're so dumb. You saved my life again. Tanner, I fell in love with you the day I met you." Theo buried his face in Tanner's side, tears flowing from him once more. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Theo." He gently lifted his chin to meet his eyes, gazing into them worriedly. "Come on, green eyes. Do you want a tea, some hot chocolate? I really don't want you getting sick." Theo shook his head.

"Could you just sit with me a little longer?"

"Of course, baby. Of course."