assigned emotion

28: letter

tanner

The drive to school was silent. Usually they listened to music, or indulged in idle conversation, but this time, there was no noise.

Tanner knew he'd fucked up.

He never should've told Theo what he did. I don't just want to be your friend? What else could that possibly mean? He had told Theo he loved him- multiple times, but he had never said it back.

He'd fucked up.

Panic thumped through him at the idea of losing Theo over this. He knew he was pansexual, but that didn't mean he'd like Tanner.

He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as they pulled into school, lost in his mind. As they exited the car, Theo shakily inhaled.

"Tanner, I-" he began, but Tanner cut him off.

"No, Theo, I- I don't know-" he started, but couldn't formulate the words. I didn't mean it like that? He knew it would be a lie, and he couldn't lie to him.

"Tanner?" Theo asked, clearly confused. "I just- there's a lot of stuff I wanna say, but I don't-" he then went quiet. "I just can't find the words to say it. So I- I wrote it. This morning." He then turned, pulling a piece of paper out of his backpack. "Here. I just- I don't know how to say it. So, here." Theo shoved the paper against Tanner's chest, then darted away towards the school.

Confusion now swirled through Tanner's thoughts as he turned to look down at the paper. Tanner, it read in blue pen ink. He unfolded it, sitting on the hood of his car.

Dear Tanner-

There's so much I wanna say to you, but I really don't know how. Whenever I try to speak, my mouth gets all fuzzy and the words just don't come out. I think you still intimidate me a bit, or I'm scared that if I say what I want to- or have to- that you'll leave me.

Tanner slowly blinked, glancing up to where Theo disappeared before he continued reading.

First off- I'm sorry. I know I've been saying this a lot, but I really am. Tanner, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I almost did was I almost did, and at your apartment building. I'm so sorry that you had to be there for that. I'm sorry that you had to take care of me after, and wait in the hospital with me, and comfort me. I'm so sorry that I ever stepped into your life at all.

He softly gasped at Theo's words, written in his messy, round, almost cursive hand.

I know you hate when I say that, but I mean it. I know you think you need me, but you don't. Don't worry- I'm not going to attempt anything again- it's just what I know to be true. Now that I'm a part of your life, I really don't think that I can leave- not for a while, anyway. I care about you, so much. I've always been scared to be on my own, but now that I know what it's like to be with you, I'm petrified. I think that if you leave me, I'll be lost again. And for that, I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm trapping you, and that you think if you leave that I'll kill myself. I won't, I promise. I promise you that, Tanner. Nothing you do could ever make me do that. I'm so sorry I made you think otherwise. But I digress; I'm getting better. Slowly, but I know I am. They're going to up my meds, and thanks to you I'm in line to get a therapist. Thank you, Tanner. I was so stupid, I thought you didn't care about me. Now, I understand. All the actions you do, all the things you say, it's clear you do. It's clear you love me. I don't understand why- at all- but I see that you do. I'm sorry I'm dragging you into the mess that is me, but I'm so grateful you're here with me.

Tanner hadn't realized it, but he was crying. Two tears fell onto the paper in his hand, and he brushed them away, his vision blurring. Nevertheless, he read on.

This is long, I know, but now I'm coming to my final point, I promise. You love me, I see that now. However, every time you say it, I freeze up. I don't know why- I think I'm shocked or scared that I'm dreaming. But, god, Tanner, I love you too. I love you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you. I feels so good to write, but so hard to say. I think that now that I've written it, I'll be able to just spit it out. Or I pray that I can, anyway. I want to say it, so bad. So many times have I wanted to- even before you spoke it, but I was scared. I'm still scared! But I think I'll be able to say it. That I love you, I mean. And I do. So much. With my entire heart, Tanner. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you to New Hampshire and back. I love you with every freckle on your face. I love your every hoodie that you let me borrow, every touch that you bestow on me, every kiss that you're scared to leave on my face. I. Love. You. Tanner Walsh, I am IN love with you. I need you, so much. I've always been terrified of attachment, of needing, of wanting- but not so much with you. Don't get me wrong, I'm PETRIFIED- but it doesn't feel wrong. It feels like everything has fallen into place. I've never been so scared of losing something, but I've also never been so grateful to have it. Thank you.

To New Hampshire and back, Tanner Walsh-

Theo.

Tanner delicately folded the paper into a square and placed it in his pocket. He brushed the tears off his face and stretched out his fingers, hyping himself up.

He had really lucked out with Theo, and there was no way he was letting him get away.