assigned emotion

2: pity and defeat

theo

"So, how was it?" Theo's mom seemed nervously eager, sitting across from him at the dining table.

"Okay, I guess," he said shortly, pushing his food around with his fork.

"Was someone rude? Were you bullied? Are they homophobic?"

"No, no! It's just, school." She nodded slightly, clearly anxious. He loved how much she cared, but he didn't like how she automatically assumed they hated him because he was pan. There were many more reasons for them to torment him.

"If you get bullied, you have to tell me." Theo nodded shortly. "Are you out to everyone yet?" He shook his head. He also found it comedic she viewed 'coming out' as a public event- like he would stand on a lunch table and announce it like a wedding toast.

"No. I decided that this time I wanna keep that to myself."

"I'm really sorry, baby. You shouldn't have to hide yourself from the world," his mother said, grabbing his hand earnestly.

"Sadly, I do. I mean, Dad doesn't even know yet," he replied with a humorless laugh.

"When are you gonna tell him? His son liking boys should be the least of his worries, with his business at work and all. He's one mistake away from getting fired!" What with his temper and outbursts, his father's occupation status always seemed compromised.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm just scared." She nodded, squeezing his hand.

"Well, whatever happens, I love you, and I always will. I will be here for you, forever." Her words caused a stroke of anxiety in his heart, for no real reason.

But what if you're not? What if you change your mind and see me like the rest do?

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"Do you have my schedule?" Theo called as he ran up to Tanner in the hallway, chasing him quickly as he attempted to escape him. He didn't like having to talk to or even look at him, he hadn't hoped to make an enemy so soon into the year.

"Go away."

"See, I would, I would go to class, but guess what I don't have that you do? My schedule," Theo snapped. Why does he insist on being so difficult? Tanner spun around, anger flashing in his light brown eyes.

"Don't talk to me like that, Benson." Theo rolled his eyes.

        "Cry about it, Walsh." Tanner threw his books on the ground, startling a freshman.

        "Seriously right now? You wanna fight me? I could literally kill you."

         "Oh yeah, like you're gonna murder me in the middle of the hallway. You're way too scared. You talk a lot of game, but you don't mean any of it." That was it. Theo had hit a nerve. Tanner shoved him against the lockers, holding him by his shoulders. Theo didn't show it, but feigning that level of confidence had horrified him.

        "Say it again." Theo laughed, a bit terrified. A bit. See, he was really just bluffing. He had no idea whether Tanner would actually hit him or not.

         "You. Won't. Hurt. Me. You don't even know me!" Tanner snarled, moving dangerously close to him. He moved his hand as though he was about to punch him, but anxious hesitation flashed in his now wild eyes.

         "Fuck you, Theo." He released him, pale and alarmed.

         "See?" Theo turned away, backing down the hall. A bunch of Tanner's friends rushed up to him, kids staring at Theo in shock. "See you later, Tanner. Still don't have that schedule."

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Theo sighed, staring at the surface of his empty lunch table emptily. The rest of the kids in the cafeteria chatted and laughed together, possibly at him. News of his 'fight' with Tanner had spread around the school like wildfire. Theo wolfed down his lunch, dying to just get out of the cafeteria. He finished, standing up and feeling a wave of anxiety and embarrassment wash over him. He usually didn't mind sitting alone, but today it just felt so sickening. Theo rushed off towards the bathroom, noticing how Tanner stared at him. He looked almost like he pitied Theo, just making him more upset. Theo collapsed on the floor of the bathroom, shutting his eyes and leaning against the wall. Sitting alone at lunch was one of the worst feelings in the world sometimes. The bathroom door swung open and Theo opened his eyes quickly.

"Here." Tanner awkwardly handed him his schedule, looking at the floor.

"Thanks," whispered Theo, staring at the floor.

        "I'm sorry that I did that earlier." Theo looked up at Tanner, confused. "I shouldn't have touched you. I'm sorry."

"It's fine." Tanner nodded, his cheeks reddening slightly from discomfort.

"This doesn't mean we're friends or anything, I don't like you, at all, I just shouldn't have touched you."

"It's okay, I know." He looked back up at Tanner. "Just don't do it again?" Tanner rolled his eyes, scowling.

"Don't boss me around." Theo snorted, walking towards the door.

"I think threatening to kill someone is a bit worse than me just asking you not to do it again."

       "Oh, fuck off."

|||

"So, how was your day?" Theo's dad glanced at him in the rear view mirror.

"It was fine."

"Any new friends?" Theo's mom, almost desperate, glanced at him hopefully.

"No." Theo looked out the window, feeling a bit hurt. Why did no one like him? Was he really that terrible?

"Did you try talking to people?" Asked his mother as Theo shook his head. "T, you've gotta make friends!"

"Do I really, though? I mean, I've survived until now with no one, surely I can make it a little longer!" He spat, suddenly furious from the hurt burning in his chest.

"Hey! Don't use that tone with your mother!" Theo's dad turned around in his seat to glare at him, one hand loosely on the wheel of the car.

"Hank, eyes on the road please," asked Theo's mom, but his dad seemed fixated on Theo.

"We've been great parents to you, doing everything in our power to keep you happy!"

"Hank.."

"Quiet, Sharon! You say you've got no one? What about us?"

"If you're such a great dad, then don't talk to Mom like that and look at the road!" Theo cried, panic swelling in his gut.

"Hank!" Theo's mom screamed, pointing ahead at the road. A huge truck loomed in front of them, heading in their direction. Theo's dad had driven into the wrong lane.

"Quiet, Sharon!"

"Dad, wa-" and then, everything stopped. Theo was thrown backwards in his seat as the car collided with the truck.