assigned emotion

18: old wounds

theo

Tanner was silent and hesitated slightly. He tightened his grip on Theo and suddenly leaned towards him.

Tanner connected their lips. Theo gasped into the kiss, melting into Tanner's arms. Finally. Finally. He let Tanner pull back on his hair, prying his mouth open and slipping his tongue inside. He tasted exactly like Theo had hoped he would, the warmth of his mouth seeping into his. Theo was putty in his hands, and he realized that no matter what he did, he couldn't hate Tanner. Not with the warmth of his lips against his, his hand in his hair, his gasping breaths in tandem with Theo's. Suddenly, he pulled away, leaving his hands a mess in Theo's hair.

           "Oh my god," Theo whispered, staring into his eyes. Shock and fear mingles in them, covered by panic.

           "I... woah. Fuck. I'm sorry- shit. What? Why did I do that? I'm not gay! What?" Tanner backed away, shocked. He held the sides of his head, confusion flashing across his face.

           "Tanner?" Theo was quiet, his entire world spinning. He fell to the floor, completely lost.

            "Theo, I... I'm so sorry... I should've never done that." Tanner collapsed onto the floor beside him, holding his knees to his chest.

          "W..why?" Theo shook his head, turning to Tanner. "I thought you didn't like me?"

          "I... I don't know. Theo, I.." Tanner reached out for Theo but then jerked his hand away. "Fuck."

          "What are you doing?" Theo felt tears leak out of his eyes and tried his best to rub them away.

             "I don't know who I am anymore. I just.. I don't know who you are anymore. I don't fucking know anything." Theo nodded slowly, standing up sadly.

"I should probably go..." he whispered, grabbing his bag. Tanner shot to his feet, grabbing Theo's wrist.

"Please, Theo, no," he cried, sobbing again. "Please. Theo. Please. I'm so sorry. Theo. Don't go. Please. Don't," he murmured, placing his hand on Theo's cheek.

"Why?" Theo leans into his hand, pain shooting through his body. He knew that when Tanner begged him like this that there was no way he was going anywhere. 

"Because I don't know who I am without you." Tanner moved his face a bit closer to Theo's but then suddenly turned to the side. "Theo-" he hiccuped, sobbing. "Theo, I'm so confused." Theo felt himself start crying as Tanner melted into his arms, shaking so badly. "I'm so confused, Theo. I can't think straight. I don't- please," he begged, soaking Theo's chest with his tears. "I can't lose you. Where would you go?"

"I don't know." Tanner vigorously shook his head against his chest.

"I'm begging you. Don't leave." Theo sobbed slightly, sliding down the wall with Tanner still in his arms.

"Okay." Tanner snuggled into his chest, heavy sobs wracking his body. Theo had never perceived Tanner as fragile, but like this, he couldn't think of him any other way. He wrapped his arms around him as tightly as he could, pressing his cheek to his head.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry, Theo. I didn't mean any of what I said, I..." Tanner's words were interrupted by yet another sob. "I just thought that if I didn't agree they wouldn't like me, and I'm so scared that if they don't like me then no one will, and I just want you to like me, Theo, and I'm so confused-" he rambled, silenced only by Theo placing his hand over his rapid fire mouth.

"It's fine. It's always fine. I know you didn't mean it, you just have to pretend you do when you're around your friends. They're cool, fun, popular, everything I'm not. Forget it." Tanner grabbed Theo's chin, turning it so he's staring at him.

"It's not fine and I won't forget it. I made a stupid mistake and said terrible stuff I didn't mean and shouldn't have agreed to. I'm done with my old friends, they're horrible. I don't care about being popular, I care about you." Theo stares longingly into his eyes, wanting to believe him, wanting to believe him so bad.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, tears leaking down his face that he hastily pushed away. "I'm sorry, Tanner, I-"

"Oh, my baby," Tanner whispered, pulling Theo against him. "My sweet boy." Theo sobbed against him, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt and pulling himself onto his lap.

"Tanner," he cried, pressing his face into his shoulder. Tanner shushed him, stroking his back gently and cooing him softly.

After a long time in Tanner's arms, Theo pulled back slightly.

"Why would you kiss me?"

"I don't know," he whispered in reply. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that."

"Why would you do it?" Theo pushed, pain welling up in his chest. "Why me?"

"You're so clueless," Tanner whispered, squeezing his hands. "Theo. Theo," he pushed, marking Theo look up at him. "Why wouldn't I want to kiss you?"

"Why do you think?" He murmured, bitter tears slipping from his eyes.

"Hey," Tanner whispered, placing a gentle hand on his cheek. "Theo. Why wouldn't I want to kiss you?"

"Forget it," Theo mumbled. "I don't wanna tlak about it anymore." Tanner sighed, letting Theo fall back into his arms and petting his back once more. 

"Theo-" he began, but he silenced him quickly. 

"Tanner, please. Just forget it."

|||

"Theo?" Tanner's quiet voice penetrated the silence of the night, scaring Theo slightly.

"Yeah?" Theo rolled over to face him, still a bit sad. They'd made up and had dinner and tea, then gone to bed early, but some heavy darkness still weighed on Theo's shoulders.

"Goodnight," Tanner said tentatively. Theo smiled slightly, reaching out to hold Tanner's hand.

"Goodnight." He shut his eyes for a second but was interrupted once more.

"Theo? I'm really sorry. I feel like you don't understand how much I regret what I said."

"It's okay, Tanner. I forgive you, I really do." Theo shifted to also rest his head on his chest, sadness covering him like a wet blanket. For some reason, his anxiety was going insane. An overwhelming feeling of loss and guilt soaked into him but it wasn't even close to the amount of anger he felt at himself.

For some reason, everything felt like it was coming to an end.