insufferable - AFI

what happened

I sighed looking at him most times, stumbling around our apartment, always drunk.

it was becoming a problem, i wanted to bring it up but i was scared. I didn't know how to bring it up, I talked to Michael about it and he agreed that Ashton was becoming too much. He was always drunk, I would wake up and he would have a morning beer instead of a coffee. He would spike all his drinks. He wouldn't drink it if it didn't have alcohol.

I stared at him as he laughed stumbling into the kitchen counter as he walked and needed to grip the fridge to hold himself up. I just stood there watching him feeling a lump in my throat. He grabbed a beer out and I just looked at him as he smiled at me, I slowly walked over grabbing the bottle from his hand. "I think you're done for the night" I stated simply while placing the bottle down.

"No Rae i've only had two" he said trying to grab but i pushed it further off the counter.

"No Ashton you haven't! You're done for the night end of story!" I screamed at the man who only pushed himself further to grab it which meant pushing me to the floor with the bottle going with me.

"What the fuck Ash!" I heard Michael scream pushing him away from me, I got myself to see all the guys standing in my kitchen ready to punch Ashton if he tried anything. "She said you're cut off so you're cut off!" he yelled once again and Ashton remained silent.

Calum walked over to me and helped me up and asked if Ashton pushed me. I told him no because technically he didn't, I mean he was just reaching over to grab something.

I hated seeing him like that, seeing him out of his shit and his best friends having to yell at him.

Michael and Luke tried talking to him and told him the drinking was becoming a problem but he didn't listen so it ended with the three guys yelling at each other. I felt my eyes water. I hated seeing them all like that.

Calum just stayed with me and hugged me while I cried, "I hate this," I told him as he squeezed me tighter.

"You're gonna stay with me tonight" he said so simply, i understood why he said it but i needed to stay with Ashton, and he would be mad if i didn't.

"That's really nice Calum but I need to stay with Ash, I'll probably just sleep on the couch and when he sobered up i'-" he cut me off with a smug look on his face.

"No Rae you're staying with me, what if he pulls this again? We can't help you".

"I can take care of myself Calum and he didn't push me" i knew Calum was probably right and i should stay with him Ashton probably wanted his space anyway but i didn't want him to get mad i left him.

Me and Ashtons fighting has gotten worse in the past few weeks, as bad as me and Ashton were. We never really "fought" too often but after what happened a few months ago that's all we've been doing.

And Ashtons been different since it happened, not touching me as much or kissing me. I think we've kissed three times in 5 months. And it sucked but I get it, he blames me for what happened.

When Ashton and I would fight it was pretty much for unpredictable reasons so what if I stayed at calums was a reason.

"Rae i dont give a shit if you say no, im not letting u stay here not when he's like this." he told me looking in my eyes, his puppy eyes meeting mine and i knew there was no chance of him letting this go, i've known him for too long to know how he is.

After another half an hour of fighting Luke gave up and threw away all the alcohol we had in the house while Michael kept talking to Ashton, but Ashton didn't care.

no sense of sorrow or sympathy for me, it hurt alot. But I hurt him so I got it.

I wish I could go back and tell myself to stay with Ash, I wish I didn't stay at Calum's, I wish I didn't tell Calum about what happened. I wish I listened to Ashton and didn't tell him, because if i didn't my life would probably end up so different.

Because when I stayed at Calum's night and told him everything...

We had sex.