Waves of Ruin

Chapter 7

There on my bed is my mom, hands in her lap. She seems to be somewhere in her head. I walk to her and sit down, only then does she look at me, really look at me. I don't think I've ever really seen her look at me like this. At least not for many years. The look makes me want to curl up in her lap and forget the rest of the world for a bit.

We sit in comfortable silence. Her hands still on her lap, mine tucked under my legs. I don't remember the last time she was in here with me for more than a minute. Usually, telling me dinner was ready or that my father wanted to speak to me. But none of these things are happening, so why was she here. I pick at the dirt on my pants and brushed off the dust, before sitting back on my hands.

"I want you to know that your father and I love you." She says finally. However she isn't looking at me, but her hands. They are long, with slight wrinkles tracing the lines of her palms. As if every story of her life had been traced on them, making sure she never forgets.

I say nothing, because honestly, I don't know that. What has my father ever done to show me that he loves me? I want to believe that she loves me, but with everything she lets my father do, I'm unsure.

"I overheard you talking to your father a moment ago. And I know you think that what he does to you is because he doesn't love you, but it's the complete opposite. He loves you so much that he only wants the best for you." She says.

"So why are you telling me this and not him?" I ask.

She sighs. "Your father has a hard time sharing his feelings, but he has them."

"Well he seems to be able to care about everyone other than me." I take a deep breath, I won't let this conversation break me.

She turns to me now, taking my hands in hers. "You have always been something he doesn't understand, you are wild and carefree. Going where the wind takes you. He doesn't know what to do with you."

"How about let me be who I want to be." I say.

"That's not as easy as it sounds."

I know that my mother believes this, I'm just not sure that I do. I get up and grab my bag to start packing. Leaving my mother sitting on the bed stairing at me. I can tell she wants me to say something, but the truth is I have nothing to give. I have tried for years to make them happy and I never succeeded. So I'm done breaking myself, done trying to please them with every piece of who I am. Trying to be what they want and failing hurts more, then just being who I am. Knowing that even if I wanted to I couldn't be. That's what tares you apart, slowly making you hate yourself for not meeting up to other peoples expectations, until you are nothing more than flesh and bone.

I grab my clothes and shove them in my bag, grabbing the loose coins on my desk. I go to the bathroom to clear it out. Leaving no trace that I had even been there. Once everything is in my back I look back to my mother, she is still sitting on the bed, but this time she isn't watching me. Tears are slowly streaming down her face. This stills me, I haven't seen her cry since Papa died. Her own parents already dead it was her last adult figure left. I walk over to her and grouch directly in front of her. This time I take her hands in mine and squeeze.

"I love you Ma." I whisper.

"I know Lily bean, I just wish I had been the mother you deserved. I wish that I could take credit for the strong women you grew up to be. I was never able to stand up for myself and without realizing it, I taught you and your brother to do the same. How you ended up beating the odds and knowing what you should and shouldn't stand for is beyond me." She says, still crying.

I want to comfort her, tell her that she is the reason I am strong and that everything I am is because of her, but it's not. At least not in the way she would want it to be. "I love you." I say again, because that's all I know to be true right now.