the broken

Chapter 16

MARCH, 2009

Dan

I stretch tiredly, limbs aching from sitting still for so long. My bones had started disintegrating. I had come home from to school to find Phil and Jamie on the couch watching movies. I had almost decided to go up to my room and avoid that at all costs, but changed my mind at the last minute and settled down on the couch across from them. I didn't want to see it, yet in my mind, the thought of them being alone together was far worse than watching them be together.

Across the room, Jamie starts kissing Phil's neck. I dig my fingernails into my palms and try to look anywhere but there, but my eyes are drawn to the destruction.

Jamie has by now noticed my discomfort, and with that, starts tracing Phil's skin with his fingers lightly.

God.

After a few minutes of trying and failing not to watch this, I am certain I couldn't possibly feel any worse, but then Jamie kisses him and it becomes blatantly obvious that Jamie is doing this just to mess with my head. I am too far gone to pretend it doesn't bother me, biting my lip and trying not to cry.

When Jamie starts crawling onto Phil's lap, I snap, launching myself up from the couch and crawling in shame back to my room. I sink onto my bed and run a hand through my hair, pulling on my curls with wild hands.

I have no right to be upset over this. I am being pathetic. Phil is happy. I don't matter. I am being stupid.

I get up, pace around my room, and then to the bathroom where I lock the door behind me quietly. Pull my clothes off and look up into the mirror.

I study the person in the mirror, entranced by the bruises that blossom over my shoulders and chest, the reds and purples, the crooked scars. 

The colors are hypnotizing.

I trace my blue blue veins under my skin, barely breathing.

I sink to the floor and curl into myself, white hands clutching at stained skin, my brain in tangles.

All of a sudden, a knock on the door interrupts, and I look up, startled.

"Dan? You in there?"

Phil's voice rings out, muffled slightly through the wooden door.

"Yeah."

"So, there's this party tonight and I was wondering if you wanted to go with us?"

The noise of hundreds of people fills my head and I frown, hands shaking. That's the last thing I want to do right now.

"Um, sure."

"Really? Great!"

His footsteps head away from the door.

—

We are standing on the doorstep to a large house, music and loud voices and laughter leaking out from inside.

My heart is pounding in my chest, about to explode at the thought of going inside with so many people in there. I don't want to go in I'm terrified to go in it's too loud too much but Phil is leaning against the side of the house and smiling an excited smile at me and I can't find it in me to chicken out. My hands clutch the bottom of my shirt, shaking silently. I will do this.

Phil turns to me.

"Hey, we're going to go in and find some friends, why don't you just mingle and grab something to drink, okay? We'll find you in a bit."

Please don't leave me alone.

"Yeah, okay."

Phil smiles sweetly at me before opening the door and promptly disappearing into the crowd with Jamie, leaving me standing in the middle of a large cluster of very loud and very intimidating people. There are so many voices so many hands and the air smells like warm beer and cologne.