the broken

Chapter 21

APRIL, 2009

Phil

It had been a couple of minutes, Jamie and I getting louder and angrier as we both insisted on our points, but as our argument started reaching its high point, I realized all of a sudden that Dan was no longer where we'd left him, leaning against the door and looking numbly off into space. I feel a wave of worry wash over me and even Jamie falters when he sees the look of panic on my face.

"Phil?"

"Dan. Where's Dan?"

"Huh?"

"We need to go find Dan, right now."

"What? Why...." Jamie starts speaking, only to trail off when he sees the look on my face.

We both hurry in the door and start calling Dan's name, splitting up and peering into the different rooms.

My heart is in my throat, fluttering wildly, and my breath quickly runs out as I run from room to room, still calling Dan's name. I reach for the knob of the door that led to Dan's room and push it open, getting ready to call his name again, but all of a sudden, my voice stops in my throat, and all that comes out is a tiny whimper.

He is curled up on the floor, thin arms clutching at legs which he had folded up to his chest. His face is horribly horribly pale and his eyes glassy and in his skeleton hands a bottle of pills, empty, gone. His eyes find my face, but it was like they couldn't focus, like he was looking right through me.

I drop to my knees.

"Dan oh my god oh my god."

I brush my hands against his back, shaking fingers unable to remember what they'd been trying to do.

What do I do?

"Jamie!" I call urgently, and he appears at the door within a couple of seconds, face paling as he sees Dan curled on the ground.

"Call an ambulance," I choke out, voice shaking. My whole body trembles as I wrap my arms around the tiny ball that Dan had curled into and pull him up into my arms.

"P..phil, I made a m...mistake, I c....changed my mind."

"Shh, it's okay, it's okay, Jamie is calling an ambulance and you're going to be fine, just stay awake, okay?"

My words choke out of my closed throat and I want to be calm want to be calm for him but I'm not my hands shake like leaves and I am shivering shivering so hard and how can I be calm when his lips are turning blue when his eyes can't focus on me I smell fear I never knew fear had a smell but I smell it it's on him and it's on me and we are on the edge of a cliff in the rain again only this time there's no railing and no ground beneath us. I hug him closer, his hair tickles my nose and what if he dies. What if he is gone what if he dies my fingers shake my arms shake so hard that I can't lift him up anymore but I do I keep doing it because I can't let go and why would he do something like this Oh my god, this isn't happening. What kind of fucked up person am I?

He makes a gargling sound, coughing out words.

"P..please don't let, please don't let me go."

His lips are blue and his eyes are empty they're so empty but I nod, whispering promises that I'm not quite sure I can keep.

"Phil."

I look up just in time to see his words die in his throat, eyes flutter shut, and the tense ball he'd been curled up into melted in my lap.

"No!" I shriek, the wail of an ambulance crying in the near distance but it's not here he's closed his eyes why isn't it here why wasn't it here already and I clutch onto him tighter, shaking, shaking.