the broken

FOR NOW

phil-

it's been 3 years.

not since you died, but since i opened your letter.

you weren't dead until then, not really.

you asked me to hold onto your stars for you and i'm here to tell you i am, i really am, even when it's hard. they burn me but i'm holding them tight and i promise you, i won't ever let them go.

there are some days i close my eyes and wish i'd died with you, when the voices get too loud and the shadows too dark, when i understand what you did. when the hole where the piece of me you took with you hurts too bad.

there are some days when i think about your body going down to sleep under the ground and i shiver at the thought of being in the dark forever.

i'm not sure which days are worse.

wherever you are, please don't be mad. i'm trying my best. jamie is too. please don't be mad at him either. what happened before doesn't matter anymore. we are just someone who loved you. we're hurting together.  it doesn't ever really feel better, but when we show eachother the broken pieces, it makes it feel like you're still here, and it's enough.

last week, i had to go back to our place.

neither of us are strong enough to face the ghosts that live there, so we are selling it. i had to go one last time, to see if i could find you in the walls. you weren't there, but when i lay down on the floor and stared at the ceiling, i swear for a minute i could feel your skin against me, could hear your heartbeat, see all the blue in the world, enough to drown in. but only for a minute.

i thought it would get easier, but my bones only get heavier.

but i'm still here.

i promised.

for you.

if only you had let me piece you back together like you'd done for me.

i don't know if it will ever get better, if it will ever feel easier, but i do know one thing. for now, i'm here, and i'm breathing. for now, i'm holding onto these stars, for as long as i can.

until next time.

-dan

—

duped again. you thought you'd seen the last of me. i have always had this little bit saved in my drafts, not sure if i wanted to post it with the story or not because to be honest ? the only time i cried while writing this story was not writing phil's letter, but dans. maybe it hit too close to home or maybe i'm just a big dumb sap, but i decided against publishing this when i published the last chapter awhile ago. however, after some deep consideration and many months, i have revisited, and decided to upload this as the real last installment of this story. some of u will be happy and some of u will not but hey, that's life. thank you so much for going on this wild adventure with me.