The Boy I Knew

19. Mistakes

It was a mistake not telling him. About having Warhammer. About what happened to you in Marley. He was happy now, with you. A beautiful home, a false sense of peace. At least on your end anyways. Everything had calmed down and had gone back to normal, but normal never seemed to last for long.

It had been two week since you first moved in. Two weeks since that fever dream of a day. Miche hadn't returned since dropping off your belongings and you didn't know if he would come back. You hadn't bothered to ask Erwin about why he let him join in and you didn't want to complicate things. Even more, you didn't know why you enjoyed it, but you did. Since that day, Erwin hasn't strayed too far away from you, having become more possessive of you. It was rather... endearing.

This week had been sunny, but cool with a gentle breeze. Perfect weather for spending time outside. You sat on the small front porch, wishing you had a chair or swing to sit on. Torn between making plans for the future and wondering if your future was going to be ruined by the truth. Even if you continued to lie and wait in silence, you still only had thirteen years left to live. How were you going to tell Erwin that you were only going to be around for thirteen more years? That's not much of a life.

You watched him walk up the drive from getting the mail. He greeted you with a smile and it was hard not to return it. You hadn't thought about how taking on a titan would affect him. It had been selfish and it pained you. He wanted a family and you sabotaged it.

"What's on your mind?" He prompted, blue eyes staring down at you. Propping himself up on the column next to the stairs, his thumb ran over the mail in his hand. It took you a moment to respond as thoughts filled your mind of his hands running the length of your body...

"Nothing," you snapped your mind to the present. Teasing, "Just wondering what it would take for you to take your shirt off."

"In this heat? Not much." He laughed, rich and deep. It was nice to hear it and you didn't want to ruin it, but you decided it needed to happen.

"Listen, there's something I need to tell you..." Erwin used his thumb to flip through the stack that he had laid on the railing.

"So do I." He pulled out an official-looking envelope and opened it.

Hesitating and ultimately chickening out, "Go ahead. You first."

"The whole war thing isn't a joke. I'll have to go soon. There's been a lot of planning that needs to be done and I can't just sit by as Commander." No, of course he couldn't. He flashed the letter, but you were unable to read what was on it. "And it looks like things have sped up."

"Hange..."

"Has done enough already. She needs help and I need to be there to do that." Realizing that he was a little curt, he kissed the top of your head. "You'll be fine here by yourself, right?" No, you wouldn't, but you weren't going to say that.

"Can't I go with you?"

"That's a solid no." He scoffed.

"But I'm a nurse..."

"And we'll need you here. Think of it as if you're fighting on home ground." There was that, but...

"What about you?"

"I'll be fine."

"That doesn't keep me from worrying."

"I'll make you promise." He sat down beside you, wrapping his arm around you. Wanting to be closer, you rested your head against his chest.

"And what's that, Commander?"

"I'll retire after all of this is over." You could hear the smile in his voice. "I'll retire, hand things over to Hange, and then we can live out the rest of our lives here. I could get a desk job..."

"You? A desk job?" Laughing, you imagined him sitting behind a desk all day.

"Maybe a teacher." Like his father.

"I can see that happening. History?"

"History."

"Professor Smith." You let it roll off your tongue, making the both of you laugh.

----

It was a mistake to let him go. It was a mistake to go against what he wanted, as you left the house to meet up with him. And while you knew it was a mistake to beat yourself up over this, it was an even bigger mistake to lie about something this important. The guilt ate at you until you finally had enough. 'Enough is enough.' You had put him through hell and you weren't going to let him go to war without telling him that you had a titan.

You had left the house not long after him, with an overnight bag strapped to the back of your horse. Being within Wall Sina had its privileges: one of them being that you weren't too far from the Capitol. You didn't plan on meeting up with Erwin immediately, partly because you didn't know where he would be, but mostly because it wasn't just Erwin who needed to know. With any luck, you'd find Pyxis drinking cheap booze with old men. You two didn't know each other too well, having only met at events when you were Erwin's plus one. He seemed kind enough and, fingers crossed, maybe he would believe you.

But he wasn't there. Despite asking the people who worked in the building - from police to secretaries - no one could tell you where he was. In fact, people seemed to be in a rush to get where they were going. Had something already happened? Not knowing what to do or where to go, you hesitated. All you could hear around you were the footsteps and voices of others and something else, faint in the distance. It was hard to make out, but it seemed out of place; like it didn't fit in with your everyday sounds.

Momentarily forgetting what you came here for, you stepped out onto a balcony, hoping to hear it better. Roaring. It sounded like roaring. But not some mechanical roaring like an engine coming to life, but more like a yell. It was unfamiliar and you couldn't figure out what was making it. Just as you turned to go ask someone about what was making it, it stopped. Pausing, you took in the few seconds of silence before a new sound erupted: stone cracking. You were far enough away that the cracking sounded quiet, but high enough in the Capitol to be able to see over majority of the buildings. You didn't notice it at first, but as the cracking turned to crumbling, you could see that Wall Sina was falling apart, showing you multiple Colossal titans.

You were stunned. You had no clue they were there and now it felt like there were a million eyes on you. Not wanting to move from where you stood, you could feel the ground shake as the giants started to move outward, away from where you were, towards whatever was outside of the walls. 'The rest of the world.' You reminded yourself. People. Elderly, children, innocents, military...

Erwin.

'Oh, Gods, Erwin' For all you knew, he could be caught underneath one of their feet and - You shook at the thought. It was enough to snap you out of your daze and make you leave. You didn't know where you were heading, but you knew that there were people who needed your help, no matter who they were. As you got further and further away from the center of Paradis, the more damage you noticed. Destroyed houses, crying people. Thankfully, there weren't any walls to work your way through anymore. Just rubble.

After getting past the fallen Wall Sina, all you could see for miles was damage. Very little was left standing. You just hoped that there were people still left to help.