𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐌𝐞, 𝐀𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐓𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫

slowly losing

Depression is a word with a cavernous meaning.

It's different, with no set structure on how it chooses its victims or any idea of how long it plans to stay. It's like an ocean with an unpredictable tide, sending monstrous waves over to the shore, wiping out the patterns in the sand and castle built by children. It collapses down on anything in sight, seeping deep into the crevasses of the sand molecules. A wave so powerful that you fall under the current, dragging you by your feet deeper into the blues of the sea until all you see is nothing.

And Giyuu is struggling to find the fight in him to battle against the current. He lacks the strength to kick the water away and unwrap the seaweed that strangles the skin around his ankles. It's pulling him down, starving him of oxygen as he continues to search for reasons to breathe.

He's been home for a day or so now. Kyojuro and Sanemi helped him unload his bags into his apartment before leaving to deal with their places. His time spent with his three friends was remarkable. For the first time in what felt like forever, Giyuu was wandering around wearing a genuine smile. He spent the weekend stuffing his face with greasy takeout food, wasting money in corner stores, and an unforgettable few hours skating with someone he adores. Yet, depression reminds Giyuu of its presence, and the morning they planned to return home, Giyuu was stuck moping in his mind wishing for the ground to swallow him.

He packed his bags with a stoic expression, collapsed the tent with Sanemi without meeting his eyes and slept the car journey away. Sanemi caught on. He ran his thumb over Giyuu's knuckle as he slept, pushed stray strands of hair away from his face and offered his shoulder as a pillow. He held Giyuu close despite the distance Giyuu was forcing between them. And when they arrived at Giyuu's place, Sanemi offered to stay and help him. Of course, Giyuu denied the offer and told him to leave. Which he did. And Giyuu regrets it.

His brain has thrown him down a rabbit hole. A dirt tunnel of darkness, his thoughts and feelings visible in the murk. Nothing is worse than being attacked by your mind. When even your head turns its back on you. It tramples over your feelings, tearing straight into your heart and digging at your weaknesses. The most brutal fight one will ever have to endure is the one against yourself.

And so far, Giyuu is slowly losing.

Against the walls of his dimly lit bedroom, Giyuu fights the war inside his head. Curling in on himself, duvet over his body. He lays still. His eyes close, envisioning the darkness as deep hues of purple. Purple, like lavender fields. He focuses on the thought, imagining the delicate smell, sensing the soft touch of its buds, and calming at the warmth those feelings bring him. It's a new mechanism. Imagining himself lying on a calm summer night, lavender surrounding his body as he takes in the scent.

Though, as depression does, it comes in unpredictable waves. It sends a storm over Giyuu's fields, drenching the purple, turning the warmth cold, and washing the scent away. Depression is a thief. It steals the most prized items from people, and their happiness is destroyed in seconds. Depression took away Giyuu's childhood, and now it's taking away his strength to keep fighting for adulthood.

A sensation overtakes his upper arms. His skin tingles and aches, and his mind brings him back to the day he first attempted.

It was a cold night. His body was shivering despite the layer of sweat covering his body. Blood dripped down his arms, streams of red soaked into the sleeves of his shirt, and the thumping of his own heart could be heard in his ears. Giyuu had fought the thought of suicide all week, racking his brain with other feelings to overpower those temptations.

Though that night was different. Giyuu rocked on his floor, tears streamed down his cheeks, mixed with the blood on his arm as he hid his head. It was all too much. He was only seventeen, his sister was moving away, and he would be stuck alone. That concept dragged him down his wall and forced his arms to cradle his knees as he cried.