𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐌𝐞, 𝐀𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐓𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫

a trip in the ocean

Happiness isn't permanent.

Remember, depression is a wave.

It's calm, collected and beautiful. While also being destructive, brutal and unforgiving.

Waves are like a blanket that covers the hurtful tracks and hides the ugly truth of depression. Meeting someone you adore isn't the cure for your mental struggles. It's simply a cover-up the ocean has given you, a lifeguard to help you swim. However, Giyuu found that depression allowed him to connect with the world differently.

Depression makes you aware of your feelings. It gives them the power to take control and make you act on your intrusive thoughts. But it also helps you reconnect with them.

Giyuu views the world differently. He notices the minor details in situations and can understand what is happening when Sanemi is in a state of panic. He's thankful for depression, as it gave him the knowledge and experiences to help his love. But he hates depression for attempting to separate them.

Today is a few days before New Year's Eve. And depression attempts to take Giyuu away again. Only the difference this time is, Sanemi isn't here to help him. He's out with Kyojuro and Shinobu, doing some grocery shopping, while Giyuu would supposedly stay and work on the present for Sanemi. Instead, he's in the bathroom.

Giyuu looks at himself in the mirror, a single tear racing down his cheek before another joins. He stares into his eyes, trying to find the blue Sanemi loves. But all he notices are the filling tear ducts and the sadness caressing the colour of his irises. There is no comforting blue or warmth, just sadness.

He breaks eye contact, staring into the sink where his palms rest on the counter. In theory, the blues of his eyes should have calmed him or shown him comfort to keep him away from his blade. But it didn't work. It showed him no comfort, and the blue only reminded him of the ocean.

That sickening feeling of wanting to die returns to Giyuu's stomach.

His hands shake, gripping the counter's edge as he meets his eyes in the mirror again. He takes a shaky breath, exhaling quietly and allowing more tears to fall down his face. It feels pathetic to want to die. You feel like you've lost the battle you've been fighting for so long.

The mental images of Sanemi overtake Giyuu's mind as he attempts to draw his thoughts away from harm. He imagines the fields of lavenders and the smile on Sanemi's face. The night they sealed their relationship and their first night of sexual intimacy. In every scenario, Giyuu is happy. He'd forgotten about the world's attempts at killing him and smiled with the boy he loved. Those memories keep him alive. But why is the thought of death more appealing than a life with Sanemi?

Because that's what depression does.

It makes you believe things you shouldn't. A life with Sanemi is all Giyuu wants, and depression wants to steal it. It knows it'll lose when the memories of Sanemi are in Giyuu's mind, so it tries to destroy them. It tries to take the happiness away from them.

And Giyuu doesn't know how to fight alone. Sanemi is usually by his side, holding him close and caressing his hair. But he's not here, and Giyuu doesn't know if he can stay strong enough for when Sanemi returns. His arms ache and itch to be marked, and his mind screams at him to return to the bridge. Fuck, where is Sanemi?

"Do we need these?" Kyojuro holds up a pack of lettuce, shaking in Sanemi's face. Sanemi eyes the bag, shrugging his shoulders.

"Are you going to eat it?"

"Maybe,"

"As long as it doesn't sit and rot in my fridge. I don't care," Kyojuro smiles, dropping the bag into the cart and walking towards a different section. Shinobu returns with a few non-food essentials for their road trip in a few days. She drops a few blankets and a cooling bag into the cart. "We have so many blankets already," Sanemi says, getting her attention.