Lifeless / error sequal

20

c h a p t e r 2 0:

d e s i r e

'Do you really love him?'

That is unfair. He couldn't ask me that. Anything but that.

Did I? I ask myself that question a lot. I miss him. I miss his touch. I miss how he made me feel. I miss him everyday but I can't unsee the fact that right now he is not the only one whose touch I crave. As horrible as that sounds, I don't know what love is. The last two months with River were like heaven. But in the beginning he had used me and manipulated me. We had ups and downs and our last down let to his death. We're we ment to be appart? Or would we find eachother again?

'I-I think that back then I thought I did, he was my first love. Now, I don't know.'

Admitting it was painfull. Because I truly did not know. I loved him. But was I still in love with him?

'First love? Does that mean that—' I know what he's going to ask. And I cut him off. I really don't feel like answering that question.

'My turn' I smirk 'did you lie, that night at the party when you were asked who the most attractive girl at the party is?'

I remember the way he looked at me and then said another girl's name.

'Yes' he answered immediately 'was he the only guy you ever did something with?' He spoke so fast I could bearly make out what he said. Why did he care? Why did he want an answer so urgently?

'What do you mean by something?' I asked him and it was too late. Reality struck him. Now his jaw was even more clenched.

'You guys never had sex.'

'That answers you question' I ignore my blush. But I don't look away from him. He won't play with me, not tonight. Not after everything that happened today. If he wants to play, I can play. I lean into him more, our lips almost touch.

'Do you want to kiss me?'

'Yes.'

'But you can't.'

'Yes.'

'Only if I beg' I look into his green eyes, filled with desire 'do you want me to beg?'

'More then anything in this world' his voice is low 'I want to kiss you until you forget River's name.'

Did I want that?

Sometimes I'd like to erase all thoughts of River. It hurt. It hurt so much, before Greenpeace I was a complete mess but even now I felt the guilty trip over me. The guilt of wanting to beg Hayden to kiss me.

Our lips brush a little but I lean my head back. He won't have me. Not now, not ever. This guy only needed himself.

'Your turn.'

From the corner of my eye, I notice his hands form fist and he looks even more on edge now.

'Did you ever do anything else then make out with him?'

'Can we stop with these type of questions already?'
'No, now answer.'
'I didn't, nothing more.'

He looked amused, almost happy even. I noticed his grin.

'I'm tired' I step back from him 'thank you for...uh..Jez.'