My Reincarnated Life Is Wrong, Source: Me

Episode 1

~Situation Normal All Fucked Up~

"You're the one who should die."

I couldn't help but wince at the words this beautiful woman just threw in my face. This is fucking bad... I can already hear a certain sith lord say: 'Ironic.' I mean, I'm pretty sure who ever I was already just died after blacking out a second ago. In a fleeting moment of awareness I recalled that some asshole normie bumped him (that is to say me?) right into the wall. My head still hurts. Haruhi Suzumiya does my head hurt!

Now standing in this...faculty office?

I. AM. HERE.

But who the fuck AM I?!

...Haruhi is Haruhi and nothing else but Haruhi.

No shit Kyon, but who am I?!

Batman?

LIKE HELL!

Sitting in front of me, leaning back on her chair with her legs crossed is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and I'm talking otherworldly beautiful (even with the odd lab coat on).

Yeah, she said something really horrible just now, but I feel like I can listen to that sexy voice of hers all day long no matter what she says (Am I a masochist?).

How old is she? She looks young, Japanese women sure are ageless.

Why do I feel a sense of danger...?

Wait! Japanese! Am I in Japan?

My eyes look around the room like a crazy person's. This has to be a Japanese school, the weeb in me says so (I'm a fucking weeb? Oh come on!).

How and why am I in Japan?

It's weird, I shouldn't be here... I should be...by HARUHI the pain!

So does that make us student and...science teacher? Damn it Haruhi, student X teacher never works out in the real world, that's just the bullshit of anime, light novels and fan-fictions (that last one cringe).

Farewell, My Chemical Romance with Science sensei~. Oh how I wanted your SCIENCE~! I guess I'll have to go look for a nice, desperate, office onee-san~.

Y-yeah, that's not creepy or weird... t-totally normal...b-because I'm pushing thirty?

...I really should get m-married?

...

O' SUZUMIYA-SAMA I'M GOING INSANE!

FOR ALL THAT IS HARUHI WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME?!

KYON. DID. YOU. FUCK. UP?!

...

Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait, I was given a hint, I just have to k-kiss Science sensei and that should punch me right out of whatever weird hell this is.

...

...

THAT'S TOO HIGH OF A BAR FOR ME KYON!

WHO. THE. HELL. AM. I?!

Has Haruhi forsaken me?

"Hik—"

Huh? Is time accelerating? I've never done hard drugs, how odd.

"...Hikigaya?"

Who? Is there someone behind me? I want to look back but my eyes are locked with Science sensei's. She has lovely grey eyes. Grey eyes that are glaring at me? Did I blow up your lab Science-chan? She DID tell me to die.