crush/boyfriend imagines

Loving Him while He Loves Her

Have you ever liked someone so much that they practically plague your mind and there's absolutely nothing else to replace them? Yea? Well, I feel bad for you. Just as I pity myself.

I knew him first. I saw him first. I was friends with him first. I liked him first. I know he liked me and now he's in love with her.

Funny how life works. Isn't it?

I knew him in the fall. I had a class with him during my first semester of college before I dropped out. Of college.

The second he walked into that monotonous room, everything lit up. I looked up from pre-outlining my notes and my eyes met that infinite smile on his face. I could feel a smile growing on my own face. He sat in front of me but to the side (if that makes any sense) and I stared at him that whole class. His name was c/n. I only ended up remembering it because it was a name I, for whatever reasons, despised. Still do, but on him it's alright.

The following week when I had that class he was gone and then before the next week I had dropped out. By this time it was the middle of September.

September went on and I don't think I thought of him once. I had someone else on my mind.

By the end of the month, I'd submerged myself into a new friend group. People I liked but I'd only hung out with them once before. This was my second time doing something with them.

I walked in that evening and there he was. C/n. Just standing there scrolling on his phone in the corner of the room. I watched him the whole night. At the time I hadn't quite realized why I recognized him, much less where from, and then while I was driving home it all clicked. It was c/n, from that one class I had before I dropped. The one who lit up the room and gave me the energy I'd been lacking all day just by being in his presence.

Once I'd figured out who he was and where I knew him from I started obsessing over him. Making it my mission to know him. His energy was something I needed in my life. I had so many negative things circling me it felt so refreshing to be around such a positive force.

Getting to know him was easy. He was such an easy person. Quickly, I found myself falling for him and as soon as I realized I liked him that way I became nervous around him. Not being nervous around him was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. I began to look for him in every room I entered. I listened for his voice when he was nowhere in sight. I found myself needing some sort of interaction with him just to brighten my days. For months, thoughts of him consumed me. I thought of him night upon day. Day upon night.

The day he started to seemingly reciprocate feelings I started going [internally] insane. Granted, he had a flirtatious personality -even a friend who went to school with him told me that was true- but I couldn't shake the feeling that he actually did like me. He found reasons to be near me, talk to me, make me laugh. I caught him staring dozens upon dozens of times. He'd be looking at me, I'd look at him and smile and he'd smile back and then I'd turn away, but his gaze would linger.

I loved him. But my cowardice wouldn't allow me to do anything about it. I couldn't muster the courage I needed, no matter how hard I tried.

-

A month or two went by and I saw him maybe once or twice but that was it.

In late February, once the winter had settled a bit, the group got together again and he was there, but with her. He wouldn't leave her side the entire four hours everyone was together.

He met her in a class he'd randomly decided to take second semester. She seemed sweet just had the complete opposite energy as he did. He even seemed calmer around her. Not as enthusiastic or energetic. Seeing him didn't make me feel as cheery as usual. His energy had changed. His demeanour.

After that, the group had decided to make it imperative that we all get together at least once a month, which we stuck to. Sometimes c/n would be there, most times he wouldn't be. Any time just a few of us got together and he was there he was texting her. Constantly. Barely paying much mind to anything else.

In May, he was there. Without her. Apparently, she was in Ireland or something. Being as she wasn't there he paid me more attention. He obsessed with me over a new album release from an artist we both really liked and had been excited about for months. He asked me what my track ranking was and I told him I didn't know because it'd barely been out for twenty-four hours.

Later that night, after I'd been home a while, I typed out my ranking and texted it to him. When he responded he agreed with most but fought me on one that I fought back at and it ended up being an agree to disagree situation.

The next week he posted on his Instagram story for his and her two-month anniversary. He spoke about how wonderful she was and how much he liked her.

-

It's been four months since then and I've seen him around a few times but he's always with her.

On the Fourth of July, I saw them together walking through town. He practically clung to her. Then that night he posted to his feed a photo of them silhouetted by fireworks. Yea, they were kissing. It was the cutest thing I'd ever seen. I screamed into my pillow that night before I went to sleep.

I stopped going when the group would get together because I didn't feel like it. A big reason being that I didn't want to put myself in a room with him while he had her.

Any time I'd see him he'd smile and I'd smile back but it hurt. It felt like a knife through my very soul every time he simply just made eye contact with me.

They've been together six months now and I know this because the only time he's ever active on his socials is to post about her, not because I've been keeping track. I haven't. He's completely in love with her. He's practically announced it himself.

I go almost a whole month not thinking about him unless he posts about her -mostly just on his story. He'll like my stories, my posts, and interact with polls and things I put on my stories. Whenever I see a notification from him I smile in a longing type of way and reminisce about the time when he didn't know her yet. Back when I'm sure he liked me. That friend that went to school with him? She told me I was more his type than her. She's the opposite of his type even. Me? Practically the epitome of his type as far as she knew.

What hits me the most is, from what I've seen, he's exactly the type of boyfriend I imagined him to be. From his compassion for her to how much he talks and posts about her. I wanted that to be me. But I got shy and cowardly.

Just when I think he's left my mind to give me some peace, I remember his existence and there's a gloomy cloud over my head once again.

I'm happy for him, I really am. If he's happy, that makes me happy. I just wish I was the reason for his happiness. And maybe I judged her too fast but as far as I know, my energy radar is never off.

Be that as it may, it still hurts, no matter how good his happiness feels. I'm still stuck out in the rain with no one for an umbrella.

-

a/n: sorry guys, no happy ending for this one. this is just my life. just me being a cowardly fool with many upon many regrets. maybe you could write up a happy ending for me and put it in the comments lmao.

but i hope you liked it even if it was slightly depressing lmao.

anyways, stream the car by arctic monkeys out oct. 21, and i hope you all had a lovely day/evening/night<3