If that's what it takes

80

Derek walked quickly down the hallway. He had purpose in his step, though his heart was heavy and he was beginning to feel very alone. The hallways all seemed to be a little longer, and his head was now throbbing as he tried so hard not to break apart. He couldn't understand why it was bothering him so much. He had known Meredith for nearly two weeks and he hadn't even heard her voice, listened to the way she thinks, how she feels, what she believes, but he knew her daughter.

His pace slowed slightly as he walked down the hallway toward the room, swallowing hard he thought for a split second that he may be overreacting and acting with his heart instead of his brain. It wouldn't have been the first time in his life that he had done that, and if it was the case, he knew that it wouldn't be the last. His pace quickened and he entered the room swiftly.

He remembered the last time he had entered that room, having been only hours after cleaning the blood, tears, and anguish of the brutal mistake that Lexie had made from both his body, and the body of the innocent child that he now called his own. He stared at the woman in the bed, the tubes and wires and whatnot extending from her body to various machines. These machines were keeping her alive, keeping her heart pumping, her lungs inflated, though the one machine measuring her brain activity was eerily more silent than the others. Seeing the output on that machine only managed to churn the bile in Derek's stomach, cause his teeth to grit tightly, and his fists to ball up into angry, hate filled fists.

His eyes darted to the respirator, and back to the woman in the bed. "I am all she has." He growled, his pupils dilating slightly as they deepened with his mood. "I am all she has in the world, Lexie." He whispered. "I am all she has in the world... that can hold her through the nightmares. The nightmares that you helped to create." He growled. Derek closed his eyes. He was unable to look at the woman in the bed for a moment, unable to contain his rage. He took a very slow, very deep breath as he swallowed. "You have absolutely no idea how badly I want to pull that cord out of the socket, Lexie." Derek whispered. "You have absolutely no idea how badly I want to be able to suck the life from your undeserving lungs." Derek whispered. "How badly I want you to die right this second..." He swallowed.

Derek opened his eyes and looked down at her as he moved closer to the bed. "But do you know what that would do, Lexie? Do you know what that would do?" He whispered. "If I killed you right now." He breathed as he leaned down and stared at her face. "If I killed you right now, that baby girl would have nothing." Derek whispered. "You would slip off to hell, and I would be shipped off to jail... and where would we be then, Lexie? We'd be right where we started from." He whispered. "You are so fucking lucky that I took an oath to save lives, Lexie. You are so... so fucking lucky that I love that little girl... and it kills me to know that you laying here... with probably just as much brain activity as you did when you were alive... you hold the key to that little girl's mother. It kills me." Derek whispered. "I hope you can hear me, Lexie... and I hope you know that I loathe you... and I want you to know... that I'm not the only person who never wants to see you again." He whispered.

"I hate you." He whispered. "I have never hated anyone in my life... but I hate you." He said as the hot tears rolled down his cheeks. "Congratulations, Lexie." He growled. He stood up straight and wiped his tear from his cheek. He swallowed and looked up at the monitors and glanced to the respirator. He looked back at Lexie, and turned on his heel, moving his body in a quick and steady pace out the door and down the hallway, his feet pounding into the ground as he made his way through the hallway. His mind was set, and he was determined. No one was going to be going anywhere, not if he had anything to say about it.