Tough Times (Rdr2)

chapter 5

The next morning we arrived back at camp. Arthur walked over. "What are you doing with him?" He asked me.

"Does it matter?" I asked.

"Of course it matters, Em," he said.

"If Marston can move on, I can to. I waited for a damned year for what him to come back and make me look like a damned fool. I'm done waiting he accused me of jumping right in and screwing everybody so why shouldn't I move on?" I asked.

"What?!" Arthur asked rather yelled.

"Yeah so I did and I don't regret a second of it. Now if you'll excuse me brother I have a drop to make," I said and walked toward Dutch's tent. I pulled 300 dollars out of my satchel and put it in the chest.

"Good work, Emily," he said.

"Thanks Dutch. Sean and I scoped a house out of these fellas that had robbed a train and we robbed them. Got about 600 out of it," I said.

Dutch nodded and squeezed my shoulder. "Best not let your brother or John see that," he pointed to my neck.

"So what, Dutch, John can leave here without saying anything to anyone for a year. Comes back and makes me look like a fool for waiting on him then he accuses me of screwing everybody the second he got back. So like I asked Arthur why can't I move on? Am I not allowed to see anyone else? Am I supposed to fawn over him like he did me? I'm done with it Dutch. John wants a family and he has one. I'm not standing in the way of that. I'm moving on and being free," I said.

"I understand that," Dutch said. "He didn't see the way you use to watch the trail for him to return for months. He didn't know how much time you spent alone."

"And he didn't even care," I said. "So I'm helping out the family but I am not helping him out anymore. He is a grown man and it is time he started acting like it."

I said and walked off. I was sick and tired of the bull shit around here. I walked over to my tent and closed the flaps. I grabbed my journal and started writing in it.

Why do they make me out to be the bad guy? I didn't cheat on someone I loved and walk out for a damned year without so much as a goodbye. I had only been with two men in my life 1: John Marston who was my first everything
2: Sean Macguire, who literally swept me off my feet just today.
I have been accused of sleeping with everybody when I haven't. I hate the way he makes me feel. I want to hate him but something wants me to hold on to what we had. How can I do that when he is with her?
It just makes me want to scream!!

Sean and I had a great day and I don't regret anything.

I closed my journal and put it in my chest. I changed my clothes and walked out. I walked over to Pearson and started cutting vegetables for dinner. "Thanks Dot," he said.

"Yeah anytime, it keeps my head off of how much I'm hurting," I said glancing toward John.

"I am sorry he is being that way," he said.

"Yeah, me too, but what can I do. I've waited around for over a year for him or any sign he was alive and he comes back an ass and accusing me of sleeping around. I thought he knew me better than that. Seems I was mistaken all along. He got what he wanted and broke my heart. I ain't letting anyone else get that close again," I said.

"Your young," Pearson said.

"Yeah and been hurt to many times to count. Seems everyone I care about ends up hurting me," I said.

"Sean's a good guy," he said.

"He is. But he also has eyes for Karen too. I'm not going to compete with anyone anymore," I said and cut down into a carrot not noticing my finger was in the way. I cut myself. "Damn it!"

Pearson quickly wrapped my finger. "It will  be alright," he said. "Things tend to work themselves out."

I sighed,"Maybe," I said.

I walked over to Hosea. He always seemed to be the voice of reason. I sat down beside him and laid my head on the old man's shoulder. "You know after John left I didn't think I'd ever hear you laugh again or see you smile,"he said.

"Yeah, he shattered my heart Hosea. And he couldn't even say he was sorry. Just accused me of sleeping around while he was gone doing God knows what, with whoever he pleased. He cheated on me and never once denied it. If he didn't want me why didn't he just say so. I am a big girl, yeah it would've hurt but not like the worry being depressed like I was when he took off," I said. "Sean makes me laugh. He makes me forget the pain. He may not be the one, but I have to hold on to what bit of happiness I can find. I know he also has eyes for Karen. I am not blind nor am I stupid."

"That my girl is the truth. You need some happiness in your life. After what happened with well you know. I never thought you'd come back from that pain or that guilt you felt. I had never seen anyone so broken as you were the night you came back. It tore me up to see you like that. John was the one to pull you out of it. Slowly but he did. He stood by you. That's something," he said.

"But while he was fixing me, was I hurting him?" I asked out loud.

"I don't think so. The night he slept with Miss Robert's you two had a fight over something silly. He messed up," Hosea said.

"Yeah, but he could have told me Hosea. He should have told me and not Abigail. He knew what he meant to me," I said. "Then he just left. Then nothing. I was lost again. I spent everyday for the last year fighting feelings for a man who don't want me no more. And now I have a bit of happiness people are telling me I'm wrong. What should I do Hosea? Should I go back to staring into nothingness again, not speaking to any, talking to anyone, or not eating the way I should. Should I just let myself go and enjoy some happiness now and again? Is that selfish of me?"

"No, it isn't you deserve to be happy. You deserve a man that's gonna come in and sweep you completely off your feet. You deserve to be blissfully happy," he said.

He wrapped his arm around me and hugged me tightly. "You deserve the world on a silver platter, and one day dear you will find someone to do just that," Hosea said. "But until take what happiness you can get."

"Thank you," I said.

I sat down by Sean. "Ya alrigh' lass?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm gonna take what happiness I can find," I said taking his beer out of his hands I took a swallow.

"Yer know what dis means?" He asked.

He stood up and quickly threw me over his shoulder and I squealed. He laughed and he carried me to my tent. He laid me down on the bed and started kissing me. I didn't care if the flaps were open or not. We were making out, hot and heavy.