Blinded by hate

So embarrassingly in love

"You all set?" Dylan says to me smiling handing me some flowers.

I nod smiling, slightly embarrassed.

"Does Ivan know your here?" He asks me.

"I visited him, we yelled at each other he didn't seem like the type of person you described to me"

Dylan smiles at me and I find myself returning one softly.

"Well Ivan doesn't seem like the type to express how he feels often..to the person he cares about"

"Do you know how annoying that is? If I didn't walk here I'd have never known. That he loves me still, and even though I know what good does it do for me? I don't want him to love me silently from afar I want him to tell me. I want him to be better" I say annoyed.

Dylan says nothing.

"God why can't I like guys like you! You seem really nice, your kinda cute too and instead I have to fall for a blood thirsty psychopath"

"Saying that is going to get me killed" he says grinning again.

I roll my eyes and laugh with him.

"I'm gonna go, thanks for everything" I say smiling as I pick up the two puppies.

Craig climbs into my coat his head poking out beneath my chin and Greg stays happily tucked under my arm.

I wave bye to Dylan and walk outside.

I walk around for a little while longer before I see a Christmas tree in the middle of the street decorated.

It makes me so happy.

I pull out my camera and run and tap a stranger on the street on the shoulder.

"May you take a photo of me?!" I ask excitedly.

I choke on my excitement when Ivan turns around to look at me.

"Oh" I say softly looking at him.

He's staring at me and ever so slowly looks down to the flowers in my hand.

He narrows his eyes at me like he wants to ask me something.

So I decide to be brave.

"My eyes are grey. They aren't blue, when I was 8 I was playing with my brothers and fell and cut
my cheek on some glass on the floor. It scarred. I never minded not getting a second ring. And I wish I had worn a white dress like I wanted to my wedding but everything else was okay." I say looking at him before taking a couple steps back and walking away.

"Elle wait" he says sighing.

I don't I keep walking.

"Elle" he says walking next to me and gently grabbing my arm, or my coat.

He doesn't reach my arm through the several layers of warmth I installed.

"You know?"

"Know what? I don't know anything Ivan. Nothing ever makes sense with you." I say angrily.

He looks at me like he's drinking in my appearance, like he could get drunk off the way I look at him.

And I know how I look at him.

I look at him like he's the most beautiful person in the world, the most fascinating human to ever live.

To me he is all of those things and more.

But what am I to him?

"I could live a thousand lives and I'll never deserve you. I'll never deserve to be looked at the way you look at me. I would do absolutely anything for you, and it still wouldn't be enough to make me deserve you or your love" he says, still holding onto me.

"I don't need a knight in shining armour, Ivan. I just want you, I want Ivan not the psychotic assassin. Just Ivan. that's it that's all I want. You say I deserve better? Then be better. Be better." I say softly.

"I've never known love before you. And now that I have been exposed to it, I understand. I understand why everyone goes on and on about finding true love because once you find it you can't ever let go"

"Just because two people love each other doesn't mean they end up together" I say quietly, shaking him off me.

I walk a little further until I'm standing in front of an abandoned Christmas market.

Cute.

I hug my bouquet tighter.

"What do I need to do?" He says behind me.

I turn around and stare at him.

"Why? Why are you so desperate to change for me?"

"Because I love you. I cant say anything else other than that. I love everything about you. And I have lived without you for half a year and it has destroyed me. I will not live my life without you in it; I can't. So tell me what I need to do for you to try again with me, I know your scared but I will never let anyone hurt you again."

I stare at him. I look at Ivan, my Ivan.

"Give up your power." I say it so softly he couldn't possibly hear.

But he does.

He closes his eyes for a moment and I allow myself to wipe the tears quickly.

"If I give up my power. I won't be able to protect you"

I look at him for a moment.

I think of my family, of Elliot, of my dogs.

"Then make me your equal."

He opens his eyes to look at me, curiosity sparked.

"I don't want to be the wife of the mafia leader I want to be your equal, your partner. I want to make the decisions I want to plan the moves. I want a say." I say to him calmly.

Calmly.

Like I'm not asking him to trust me with everything he's worked for.

"Okay" he says.

"Okay" I say softly.

"Yes okay" he says annoyed and I laugh.

He takes a step closer and dips his head down towards me.

"For you, Elle, I'd give you the world"

I smile softly and tilt my head towards him.

Kissing him softly.

"Come home" he asks me quietly.

"I have a home, I live in a caravan!" I say smiling.

"Of course you do" he says laughing.

Dimples.

"But I will consider moving to your home, I hope my room-" I say grinning.

"Your room? Our room Elle. Your not sleeping alone I want to wake up every morning with you next to me. I want my space to smell like you. And I want to fuck you in our bed, in our room, in our house"

I breathe in sharply.

"Let me decorate the inside so it's not soooo dark and dreary?"

"Fine"

"Let me plant lots of pretty flowers?"

"Go ahead"

"LET ME DECORATE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!"

"FINE"

I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. Hard.

I pull back.

"Oh and Craig and Greg are coming too"

"What the actual fuck are those names?"

"They chose them" I say sadly.

As if on cue Craig barks from my coat and Ivan looks terrified.

"Please Ivan they must come or I won't"

"Fuck fine, BUT they're not sleeping on the bed they can have a real nice dog corner in the furthest corner."

"Okay okay thanks" I say dancing.

"I'm so embarrassingly in love with you"

I kiss his cheek.