Her way ✧ (Richie White)

16.

Richie White's funeral was the hardest day of my life.

He was really gone. I had never been to a funeral before and it was grim. Everyone was dressed in black without a smile and tears streaming down their faces. The only source of colour came from the dozens of flowers and candles that were a symbol of sweet condolences.

The boring classical music that played from the speakers was far from Richie's own taste. He would've hated this. Laughed at it and called it fucking weird. The weather was gloomy too. Soft pattering rain against the windows and clouds that masked the sun. I wore Richie's jacket over my dress because Judy allowed me to and I was grateful for that.

At one point during the service, I was called up to the front to give a speech. With shaky hands, I couldn't contain my sobs and the heartache that came with it. My eyes scanned along the rows carefully, acknowledging everybody from town who had shown up to pay their respects but to me, it didn't feel genuine. They didn't care about him the way I did.

When I sat back down with a sigh, Judy clasped me and Simon tightly. Carl and Cory were sitting together with the rest of the group and their parents. They waved at me teary eyed and I waved back. None of us could've prepared ourselves for this day.

After the funeral, I packed my bags and moved into Judy's apartment. My parents consented although I knew they were bothered by my decision but I refused to go back there. They tried repeatedly to stay in contact with me but I had nothing to say to them. I didn't blame them for Richie's death but I sure as hell didn't forgive them for trying to keep us apart.

It had been a week since Richie was buried in the local graveyard. "It should've been me, I'm sorry" my voice quivered as I vented my emotions to Judy. "Oh no sweetie, it's not your fault. I will never blame you, only that awful Doberman" she comforted, rubbing my back whilst Simon played with his toys in complete silence.

"It is my fault. I-I was the one who stole the gun for my friends. We only used it to shoot at old cans because there was nothing else to do with the Rec closed but I'm still the reason Richie is dead" I placed my hand on my chest where the wound that scarred me was. The doctors said with rest and care I'd heal just fine within a few months. I was told that I was lucky to be alive but I didn't feel that way. 

"You listen to me Adrien, it is not your fault. Sgt Doberman shot at him, not you. He could've arrested Richie, I can deal with that. I've done it plenty of times before. Instead, he killed him. He killed my son. Justice has to be served," Judy hugged me. I cried against her for a while as she rocked me back and forth.

To make matters worse, Doberman wasn't fired from his job. A statement had been publicly released to claim he was under investigation yet he was still on duty and being paid. It made me sick to my stomach. I was glad he didn't show up to the funeral because if he did, someone (most likely me) would've gone right for his throat.

When I finally managed to calm down, Judy fetched us a glass of apple juice. "Are you sure you're ready to go back to school? I completely understand if you're not and I will not force you," she said. I thought about it. I dreaded the idea but I figured I had to try. I wanted to see my friends again and that was the only motivation as to why I would go back.

"Yes, I think I'm ready. Will you drive me there in the morning?" I replied. "Of course hun," Judy nodded then her gaze settled over to the wall. I knew immediately what she was looking at. A portrait of Richie hung above the fireplace but I couldn't look at it, not yet anyway.

I found myself constantly fidgeting or doing something like tapping my foot or nibbling at my lip so hard it would bleed. I didn't feel like myself anymore and the change was noticeable. I hadn't even touched or looked at my skateboard. It was hidden deep underneath Richie's bed, waiting and waiting to be used.

Judy took my hands in hers, holding them gently. "I just want to thank you, thank you for loving my son. Richie was a troubled child but you brought out happiness in him I'd never seen before. You meant a lot to him" she confessed. I felt really honoured. "He means a lot to me too."

We smiled at each other before she looked at Simon. "Come along sweetie, let's get you ready for bed," she said. Simon dropped the toys in their place and gave me a goodnight hug. He had the same eyes as Richie, deep and mysterious. I couldn't help but wonder, would he grow up to be the same as his older brother?

Judy and Simon left the room. I felt extremely tired and headed off to bed myself. Searching through the drawers, I pulled out one of Richie's shirts. It was large on me and had a dozen questionable rips. I felt close to him that way. As I laid under the sheets, I brought my knees to my chest and curled up, holding myself. I liked to imagine it was Richie's arms instead of mine.