C. [trans copia x trans male reader]

chapter 14: fuck

I sit on the roof. Y/n had followed me.

"What are you doing!?" He shouts. "Going yo kill myself? And why do you care!? You just hurt me!" I shout looking over the edge and he grabs me. "Well I don't want you to do that" he shouts. "What, so you can keep hurting me!?" I shout. He drags me down. "No." He says.

Once we get back inside I sit on the couch numbly. No emotion.

Just nothingness.

"GUYS, he got onto the roof again. He's a walking suicide bomb!" I overhear Y/n say. I just scoff and stare at the floor.

Y/n's pov

Im trying so hard to make sure copia knows I care for him. I had alot going on I was sorting jobs out around the ministry we never did as we went out earlier.

I'm trying! I really am! But he still thinks I want to keep hurting him. Oh fuck.
Have I..

Traumatised him..?

Mountain notices me spacing out. I regret everything, coming out, drinking anything. everything.
"You good?" He asks. "It dosent matter." I say. "It does matter" he says. "No, it's not about me I ALWAYS make it about myself. Papa told me so. He went off at me for 10 minutes earlier and that's one of the things he said so.." I say making sure I don't cry. Because it's how I make it about myself.

"If you excuse me ill be going into my room" I say as it hasn't been made into a practice room yet. Still my room. It's 5:30pm. We haven't eaten yet, I can't be bothered to be honest. I just lay on my floor and think to myself numbly.

"Im making it about myself again" "people are coming to worry about me" "Papa is right." "Im nothing but selfish".

I just dissociate so I can stop thinking. Intrusive thoughts end up taking over my mind.
Thoughts of him being dead, thoughts of killing myself, thoughts of killing EVERYONE and leaving. Why.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME..

I sob. Why did I need to be made like this? Why! I'm fucked up in the brain. I honestly can't anymore. I'm so guilty. Even if it's not really Mt fault I'll beleive it is. I'm the problem. I always am. I'll probably kill myself and papa will still say "making it about him again?"

My mother was like that. "Oh I don't matter I'd be better off dead and you wouldn't care!" Making me feel as if it's my fault. I feel like everything needs to be sorted by me

[relateable lol]

I get up and slap myself. "This isn't about me! Why can't I get that through my thick fucking skull! I hate it, i hate myself omfg-!" I shout angrily. I calmed down. I look at my hands and sigh. I look in the cracked mirror next to my wardrobe. I have a huge mark from where I slapped myself. Fuck. It's fine. I'll cover it with my mask.

I walk out stumbling slightly.
"Y/n you're back.." copia says. "Hm." I hum. "I know you might be upset with me-" I interrupt him "yes. You did. I was busy earlier. I had alot on as NOBODY did the ministry work before going out. I had to clean, I had to sort clothes, I had to take out the trash, I had to do everything! I couldn't physically visit you, my mother when I was FUCKING 10 upset to tell me how she hated me, how she made me feel like everything was "my fault" and deadnaming me obviously and saying shit like "Oh if I were to kill myself nobody would care" and you saying shit like that is reawakening childhood trauma. That's why I can't fucking say or do anything!" I shout starting to sob. "Im sorry but-" I interrupt again. "Haven't I given enough? My productivity battery is at an all time ZERO." I can't really say anything anymore. I'm just crying.

Copia's pov

I had no idea I had hurt him this bad. fuck.

I've reminded him of his childhood trauma.