Oneshots Book - Steddie

VENT, because I need to :)

Hi, Eddie here.

You don't have to read this if you don't want to. But I'd appreciate it if you did, or just the last few paragraphs. Thank you :)

I've been feeling like- really upset lately, like I have this feeling like I'm gonna cry any second now, but I just can't.

Some of my friends have been assholes lately and it's honestly starting to hurt my feelings.

Like my one friend, let's call them A, hasn't been at school so far this week, and our other friend, N, has just been completely ignoring me for the last two days. Like, I haven't spoken to N since Friday, and it's honestly pissing me off, because I try to be a loyal friend to him, but he just acts like he doesn't like me. And he like, fights for A's attention all the time. And it's not fucking fair to me.

And everyone keeps interrupting me, and then when I try to finish what I was saying they try to tell me I interrupted them and I need to shut up. And it's honestly really hurting my feelings. Like right now I feel like I'm gonna cry just writing it down.

And no one ever takes anything fucking seriously. Its always sexual jokes. And it's fucking annoying! Like I get it, you all wanna have sex. Shut the fuck up! Like please! It doesn't have to be the only thing we ever talk about! It honestly makes me kind of uncomfortable, and I've asked them to stop, they just won't, because it's consumed their personalities! It's all they are now! I honestly haven't had a single conversation with one of my friend without a sexual joke being said at least once during the conversation.

And dont even get me started on my fucking grandma! Someone needs to get that bitch in the grave already! Like please! I don't need her shit anymore! "You can't eat like that all the time. You won't be hungry for dinner." Or "why do you eat so much?" And when I stop eating so much, "Why don't you eat enough?" BECAUSE YOU FUCKING MAKE ME INSECURE! LIKE PLEASE KINDLY SHUT UP!

And then there's the part where I feel like I'm not good enough for the little amount of love that she has because she always talks so highly about my four other cousins, but I'm never part of the conversation, it's always "K does so many sports, and he works so hard!" Or "M is just doing so great in school now with his advanced classes!" Or "O is doing amazing in College!" Or "S is doing a great job in marching band!" But it's never about me. Nothing, nada. And she's loud as fuck when she's on the phone. Never ONCE do I hear her mention anything about me. She always talks about my cousins. But never me. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for her, and that's why she doesn't like me. Because I don't do enough.

I don't do sports, I don't do many after school activities, I don't get the perfect grades. My cousin who is my age got a whole ass reward last year for being an amazing student. My grandma hasn't shut the fuck up about it since. He was the only kid from my school that got it. And he doesn't shut up about it either.

And he dismisses my feelings a lot actually. Even though he wants to act like he's the best person ever. He talks shit about my friends to me. He hates my best friend, A, for no fucking reason. They used to tease him last year, but when I told them "Hey, you should do that, he doesn't like it." They stopped. It hasn't happened since. He just likes to say shit about my fucking friends. Even though I've never said anything negative about his friends.

And back to my grandma. She tries to manipulate me. She'll start an argument with me, and then expect ME to apologize. And then my mom makes me because she knows my grandma won't. And then my grandma says shit like "I just wish you had a better attitude sometimes, because then we could have more good moments like we do sometimes." LIKE ARE YOU CRAZY? ARE YOU MENTAL?

It just really fucking annoys me SO MUCH. I just wish some of my friends would listen to me instead of ignoring me completely.

I also wish I didn't have the need to be better than my cousin, K. Because I've manifested the fear of failure and fear of not being good enough from my grandma. Because I feel like I need to be better than my cousin for her to notice me. Because I feel like I'm worthy of that love and attention, but she makes me feel like I'm not. And I know I don't need her attention or validation or whatever. But I just wish she would acknowledge that I'm her granddaughter/grandson too. And that she would lay attention to my accomplishments too . . .

I'm sorry to drop all of this on whoever is actually reading this. You could completely ignore it if you want. It's whatever. Just a little inside stuff, part of this is why I haven't been writing, because I've been having a lot of anxiety lately. I was so stressed about being behind in Language Arts that I read so far ahead of everybody else that I finished the book before everyone.

But I guess that's it, I don't want you guys reading all this at once. Or at all really. Most of you probably skipped this, but you probably wanna read so. If you did, I thank you for listening to me :)

Thank you all,
Eddie[Eds] <3