MANIPULATION / Jamie Campbell Bower

33-

tw- hospital scenes, anorexia, minor mentions of sh, bpd and bipolar episodes

Jamie CB
They say that everything gets easier eventually but they don't. They don't know the pain of going upstairs to see the love of your life passed out on the floor. Pale and Deathlike. No one can prepare you for the fear your feel after an argument and they leave with no notice. No one can prepare you for the days of sleep you'll loose looking for them, are they safe? are they hurt? are they alive. After a certain number of hours without sleep your brain starts to imagine the worse, become irritable and anxiety levels increase to an all time high. No one can prepare you for the challenges you face caring, loving for someone with bipolar disorder. I sit here in the hospital for the 2nd time seeing Gracie with wires coming out of her, arms and nose. No one, No one can prepare you for the guilt you'll feel, the blame you give yourself.

Her skin cold to the touch, pale to the eyes her face no matter the damage beautiful, always. IV stuck into her arm with her heart being monitored, my eyes fixed to the machine, making sure it doesn't go below 50. 3 Days had passed since Gracie was admitted into the hospital for malnutrition, how hadn't i noticed the guilt consumed me now. Over exercising and gradual overdose of pills. Fuck she said she had this under control, how hadn't i noticed the number of pills declining each day.

I hadn't slept each day my fear grew more, the doctors came every 2 hours giving me the same news,

"She will wake up and her vitals are looking better." They stated each time.

They gave me hope but as the days passed the little signs we would get was her moving as she slept and her eyes twitching. Juliette came everyday with flowers and all Gracie's favourite songs for the CD player. We sat and had become gradually very close, she made this experience a little better. She had also gotten a lot of other visitors such as Lei (Juliette's girlfriend) and the band came once a day getting me food and some of Gracie's stuff in a bag. When she wakes up, when, they'll need to monitor her for at least a week and she'll be on bed rest. I had requested a private room for us it had a private bathroom and shower and fold out bed for me to sleep in which was left unused.

She was expected to wake up this afternoon by the latest it was 13:30PM currently meaning Juliette was on her way soon and the doctor to come check her for the 2nd time today. I sat staring at her, the pain she must've felt, i feel my heart crush as every-time i think for too long my memory casts back to me finding her passed out on the floor. My heart beats drops each time. I run my finger over her arms which were plastered with red, purple and white streaks. Scattered all over. I felt as though i had failed her, in protecting her. I felt helpless sat here hour to hour day to day sat here not being able to do anything. Twiddling my thumbs staring into space, thinking of the future.

The doctor comes into the room and dramatically looks at Gracie's heart rate as he glance back at the machine to Gracie's face back at the machine.

"What is it doctor?" I question expecting the worst when i hear the gentle moving of the sheets and the green eyes gently peeking through her long eyelashes. My heat thumps so loud i could no longer hear the constant beeping and noise around me. My eyes fixed on her, Her face her smile just her and me.

I see the doctor gently peeking and smiling as my eyes stay fixed on her eyes staring back at me. A worried look appears on Gracie's face as she takes awareness of her surroundings, she pulls her self up the bed as she questions,

"Where am i." In a muffled confused tone.

"The hospital Love." I reply a smile plastered all over my face as she smiles back at me slowly gathering back her thoughts.

"I will need to go over Gracie's vitals, Mr Bower this will take a few hours but after that she will be ready to be discharged."

I nod as i kiss Gracie's forehead lightly before leaving the room, for the first time in over 2 days. I get my phone out frantically and ring Juliette to get down here. Practically she was coming in an hour anyways, i sent a quick message to the band group chat,