I'm Just a Loser: A BigBang Fanfiction

Trust

"Have you seen him at all today?" I ask the guys after SeungRi walks me up to the studio where they are all lounging, him eating the donut like a child as we walk up.
"No," Youngbae looks concerned.
"Great," I sigh.
"He was here yesterday, obviously, you know because you were here and... Yeah you already know that." Daesung stutters trying to be as nice as possible to me even though I am very irritated and he is probably scared.
"We were supposed to go have breakfast because we haven't been able to spend time with each other at all lately. But no, he just turns his damn phone off and ignores my calls." I grip my coat in my hand harder and harder until my knuckles turn white.
"Woah, Bree. Calm down. We will find him and settle it. It's going to be okay," Jiyong puts a delicate hand on my shoulder trying to comfort me, only making it worse.
"I am so sick of everyone saying that it's okay because it isn't!" I stand up and stare at them all, tears building in my eyes,"it isn't...I-I have to go." I pick up my coat and purse leaving the stylish studio with a fog of frustration.

I had a car but rarely drove it because it only worked on occasion and in Seoul there was public transportation everywhere. Well everywhere except the one and only spot that Seunghyun would meet me at. I hated him for what he did to me but at the same time, I wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to help him. I wanted to tell him that no matter what, I would always love him deep down. Even if we split up, I would cherish the memories we had because they were the best that I had. He used to treat me like a princess, call me just to check on me when he was spending the majority of his time already with me. We would watch movies until we fell asleep on the couch and he would kiss me like there was no tomorrow.
A tear ran down my cheek as I paid the bus driver as I boarded.
"Are you okay Miss?" he asked concerned.
"Yes, thank you," I walked to the back of the bus and stared out the window.

What happened? Was I not good enough anymore? Was I boring?
Maybe I would find him eventually. He will probably be angry and frustrated with me. Maybe I should just break it off.

Even though it felt like the best option, I still hoped. I hoped that we could make it work and live the life I always dreamed we would. The truth was I missed him. Even how he was now. I missed even the faintest smile. I missed his dark brown hair swept over to the right side just that slightly. I missed the way his presence cleared my mind unlike anything else. I just missed him. I missed my love with all my heart and wanted to find him as soon as I possibly could.

I got back to my small chic apartment and tossed my bag on the floor, stretching as I released the strap from my grip. I tried calling him again. And again. Until the message receiver was so familiar that I gave up.
"Hi," I sigh quietly trying to to cry,"Seung, I-I..." my voice dies down to a whimper,"please I am so sorry for whatever I did just come back." I hang up and fall asleep to the sound of my own cries.

•••

I suddenly wake up and look over to my side, I knew I was dreaming but the sight still shocked me. Seunghyun was standing over me, staring at me with a small smile. The smile I remember falling for over a year ago.
"Where were you?" I ask.
"Sleeping." he replies quickly, still examining my face like I was an exotic animal.
"But, you were gone for like a whole day and left me alone," I stutter regaining my anger.
"You're overreacting," he laughs at me.
"But I'm not, you-you left me alone!" I yell and stand up from the couch, getting closer to his face.
"You never called!" he becomes timid but raises his voice.
"But I did Seung, where were you?!" He disappears with an evil smile.

•••

I wake up violently and look over, rubbing my eyes to try to erase the silhouette of him. Except this time, it isn't going away.

What?

"Hey baby," his voice is groggy and broken by what I can detect is alcohol.
"Seung?" I ask as he stumbles toward me losing his footing multiple times but catching himself.
"Hey, you look so sexy," he walks up to me and I finally see his face which was covered in darkness until he moved up to me. His hands creeped up my waist and I quickly push them away after seeing his face. I felt like crying as I examined his face. His eyes were dark and his words were slurred.
"What happened to you?" I ask, touching his face frantically,"do we need to take you to the hospital?"
"No . Areum,I need you." he laughs deeply grabbing my back again.
"Areum?" I ask puzzled and scared.
"Yeah baby, I'm talking to you. Nobody has to know, we already talked about this," he pushes me on to the couch and touches my chin bringing it up to his face.
"Who the hell is Areum?!" I yell at him trying to make him understand.
"You," he smiles,"woah you are starting to sound like Bree. Now stop it okay? I'm trying to get away from her, remember?"
"Seung!" I scream,"It is Bree!" I stand up and shake his shoulders but I can smell the liquor practically evaporating off of him.
"It's Seung!" he mimickes me and then laughs as if blowing it off.
"Oh my god," I begin to cry harder than I ever have,"Who is Areum?"
"You really want me to tell you?" he smiles and touches my face. And through his broken drunk face he looks at me the way he used to. Quickly I snap out of it and all the puzzle pieces fit,"a beautiful, sexy, strong woman that treats me so-"
"STOP!" I scream at him,"WHY WOULD YOU-...GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" I sob.
"Fine," he laughs again even though I know he can't see me right,"I'll be back," his lips brush against mine and I am left in a noiseless room full of unsaid words as he leaves.
My body collapsed on the ground, now not under my control. I cried for what seemed like hours and the pain felt like a sharp stab in my heart.

He had cheated on me and even admitted it to me. The worst part: he was completely delirious and drunk out of his mind. I fell asleep on the ground laying yet again in a pool of my own tears.

•••

My alarm was faintly buzzing in my room to wake me up. I had fallen asleep on the ground in the living room and now I was late.

Dammit.

I ran over to the alarm turned it off and heated up the shower before making breakfast. I had always been good at multitasking so mornings were easy for me. The warm water rushed along my body. I stared at my face through the steam covered door of the shower. The last time I saw myself so sad was when my mom left me, my dad, and my two sisters.
I never told anyone about that except Seung. Of course my family knew but it want information I shared with a lot of people. My face was covered in tears and water from the shower as my short blonde hair cascaded on my shoulder.

What did I do wrong? Did I deserve this? Was I really not good enough for him?

I turned off the shower and left for work, dreading every second leading up to my arrival. I wondered if he even remembered what had happen last night. Probably not. I got dressed in a dress and heels for work, the norm.

As I walked in Ha Neul rushed over to me again with small strides before I went to the office part of the agency. Seunghyun had got me job here after we started dating and the other office shut down. I loved it here, most of the time.
"Bree!" she yelled,"come here!"
"I'm coming," I sighed and slowly walked over hearing the clicking of my shoes.
"Seunghyun. He is here!" she stops, waiting for my reaction but I say nothing,"he...is...here," she repeats slowly.
"Good." I stare slightly to the right of her face.
"Aren't you happy or like relived or something?"
"No. I'm neither," my feet lead me up the central escalator and over to my office desk with Ha Neul following behind.
"What do you mean?" She struggles to keep up.
"Nothing."
"Oh I see," she smirks.
"What?" I ask as I sit down.
She creeps lower down to where my ear was,"it's that time of the month."
"What? So you assume that since I am in a bad mood I'm on my period?" I scoff.
"Yep."
"I'll have you know that I am not. I am just in a bad mood." I say as I login to my computer crossing my legs.
"You are just always so happy." she frowns.
"If you keep talking I will spill everything to Jiyong."
"What?!" her eyes grow to a huge size,"you said you would never do that!"
"Everything. Like how you talk about him constantly and act like a complete fangirl who screams 'OPPA' at him all the time when you are at home." I smirk knowing that I got her now.
"No!"
"I won't if you leave me alone."
"Fine." she turns around but then spins around back at me giving me the 'watching you' finger sign which I return without looking up from my screen.

•••

Ha Neul and I go and eat lunch at a small cafe across the street. I hadn't seen him all day.
"If I tell you something will you please not talk to anyone about it?" I ask.
"Sure."
"Seung cheated on me."
She breaks out in a fit of laughter.
"Why are you laughing?" I ask on the brink of tears.
"He would never do that."
"But he came to my house last night and told me."
"Wait what?" her face straightens and turns concerned.
"He was really drunk and came over to my house and tried to..." I take a breath,"but he was calling me Areum."
"Wait what?"
"He was calling me Areum and kissing me. He even said that I shouldn't tell Bree because he didn't want me to know," a tear rolls down my face and I wipe it away quickly. Her face is blank and scared.
"What?" I ask.
"I-I think I might know wh-who that is."she stutters still pale from the shock.
"Oh my-" my body is frozen.
"I'm so sorry," she begins to cry and walks over to my side of the table to hug me.
"No, it's fine." I stay still and I feel like I can't cry anymore.
"But it isn't."
"I know it isn't but I have to tell myself that so that I can stay sane." I say blankly and stand up,"here," I hand her money to pay for lunch,"keep the rest."
"Bree!" Ha Neul shouts before I leave, walking across the street to face my worst nightmare.

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Hey! So this is the second chapter, I hope you guys like it. I know that in real life Seunghyun is like a sweetie but I have to make him a little evil in this.🙈 sorry!!! I still love you! Anyways, hope you guys like this (whoever actually reads it). It is getting a little intense...sorry it is a little short!