I'm Just a Loser: A BigBang Fanfiction

Staying Strong

A/N: Some of this chapter includes depression and suicidal aspects, so please I am just warning you. I have dealt with some depression and so this is something I know quite a bit about. Anyways, if you have thoughts like that or trigger easily toward that please do not read on! I want all of you to be happy and safe so enjoy! ❤️

Xoxo
Livi

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"Just please talk to me," his voice was pleading, every time he spoke it broke down my barriers farther.

I can't take this anymore.

"Just..." I look in to his deep eyes.
"Well, just come to the park after work okay?" he smiles sadly and walks away toward the second escalator up to the studios. I can hear music in my head but I shake it away and proceed toward my office.

That day seemed to drag on like no other and I felt like I was dying. I wished that I could pause time, I so I wouldn't have to leave to that damn park. But I had to stay strong and swallow the pain, like I always did.

•••

"Can you just tell me what is wrong?" the night sky seemed to dance above us as I looked in to his eyes. This bridge was where we went for our first date, and many after that.

I couldn't keep it in anymore and my stomach clenched in a tight knot. My throat shut up and I took a deep breath of the cool air.
"I know." I choke out, steam escaping my lips and in to the chilly, dark night.
"What?" he asks.
"I know about what you did." a tear runs down my cheek and feels like it froze against my face, stinging before I can wipe it away.
"I don't understand what you mean." he laughs lightly which just makes the pain in my stomach get even worse.
"Neither do I."
"No seriously I don't understand what you mean." his face turns blank as I know it just registered to him what I meant.
"Bullshit," I snap and I know that my anger has gone too far," that is such bullshit Seung."
"I'm so sorry," his eyes widen and freaks out and grasps my hands so I can't leave,"how did you find out?"

"You were drunk as hell and called me whatever the hell her name is!" I raised my voice and was on the brink of tears.
"Oh my god," I see a glowing tear slide down his cheek.
"You lied to me," my throat closes further and it stings to breathe, the tears now flowing freely from my burning eyes.
"I never meant to hurt you." he looks directly at me.
"You are such a liar," I choke out,"and you always have been."
"It was just one night," the statement sends me over the edge and in to a pit of anger so hot and I can feel my skin burning.
"I'm done with you. We are over." I hiss with the tears pouring down my face.
"No- you- you don't understand." He grabs my hand as I turn to leave,"you are all I have Bree. You are everything to me. I can't live without you. The day I saw you when you first came here, I didn't understand what was happening. You made me feel this feeling and I still can't understand what it was," he is sobbing now and trying to hold on to whatever sanity he still had left,"Bree...that day... I-I was going to kill myself."

The words crack down the final wall I had built up to keep him away. "I-I was going to leave that day to-to..." He looks up and wipes away the tears with his free hand. "Work had been really hard and I had to hide everything, all my feelings, all my emotions were locked up inside this shell of a man that looked happy. But I was dying on the inside, closing my eyes wishing it would all end. And I decided that day that it had been enough."

I feel numb.

"And then you came in to my life," he smiles, his perfect teeth showing through the gray air,"and you guided me through all the depression without even knowing. Your smile was all that I needed and I cannot let go of the person that saved my life."
"Then...why?" I stumble on my words.
"She was a- just a-" he looks down. I had never seen him cry before.
"Just a what Seung?" I raise my voice.
"A friend." his eyes meet mine.
"A friend? You think I will buy that friend shit?!" I yell at him.
"She came on to me and things went on from that and I have never regretted anything more in my entire life." he stutters underneath his tears.
"I loved you so much." I rip my hands away from him.
"No Bree you can't-"
"Watch me." I glare at him and take a few steps off of the bridge turning to face him, "you can apologize forever. You can tell me you love me but you just proved to me that we aren't made for each other. We were just empty people, looking for someone to make us just a little more full. But we were desperate and lonely. I've been broken before. Broken by my own family. You aren't as big of a break."
"No Bree!" He pleads as I turn on my heel walking away,"I love you!" He sobs his voice dying away as I walk further from the bridge,"I love you."