I'm Just a Loser: A BigBang Fanfiction

Trying

I fall asleep in my bed and think of when be used to be next me. Laying there, his sweet face soft and flawless as it rested on my pillow. My eyes fluttered shut and my imagination took over, leading me off to a sweet dream.

"Wake up!" I heard Seunghyun yell from the living room.
I grunted and slowly made my way to the bathroom, passing him and stepping on to the tile. I closed my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair as I felt two strong arms wrap around my sides.
"Yah!" I yell shooting my hands to my sides and staring at him over my shoulder ignoring the mirror in front of me, pouting.
"Good morning!" He kissed my forehead and I looked at our reflection.
"You are such a weirdo," I smile at him stubbornly.
"Look at you," he pulls his hands tighter around me.
"I know I'm a mess," I laugh and pull my hands to my face examining the redness and my bed head.
"Not just any mess. A hot mess," he kisses me and I can feel the heat radiating off of his lips on to mine. I grasp his back and pull his closer to me wanting to savor the moment for as long as possible, loving the feeling I was experiencing. I shut my eyes in an attempt to feel even more connected, but as soon as I opened them, he was gone.

The night went on like that and every time, the dream would end in an abrupt way, just giving me a taste of what I wanted and then pulling it away as fast as I could comprehend anything. At around three in the morning, I didn't want to fall asleep anymore so I stared at the ceiling until my alarm went off and I slowly made my way out of my room.

I was confused and didn't understand what was going on. So many things were happening and nothing was making sense.
"Ji?" I asked in to my phone hoping that he wasn't as messed up as I was.
"Yeah?" His voice was dull and raw. He sounded scared and nervous yet careless. I guessed he was even worse.
"Are you going to work?"
"I have to. But the guys and I don't know what to do...Bree," his voice turned serious and demanding,"we have got to get him."
"I know. But I don't know how to do-"
"You and Ha need to go to Los Angeles." His words leave me speechless.
"Ji-uh...what am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? I'm so-"
"Listen to me okay?"
"Okay..."
"Seung might seem like he is harsh but believe me, I'm one of his best friends, he isn't. He is just really confused. You have got to pull him out of this. You and I both know that this isn't the real him. He needs you to look at him and tell him that you are there for him. He told me something a few weeks ago. He told me that he loves you more than anything. He told me that ever since he saw you, he hasn't ever loved something more than you. You kept him sane. He loves you Bree. No matter what he says, he loves you. You just have to get him and make him show you how much he loves you by coming back."
I take a moment to relish every word. Every sentence.
"O-okay." I hang up and catch a cab to go to a place that kept me reminded of what it had taken away from me.

•••

"When are you leaving?" Daesung asks running next to me as I walk to my desk.
"I don't know." I sit and log in to my computer.
"You are getting our hyung back!" He shouts and I flinch.
"Shut up you big goof," I cover his mouth and he 'zips' his mouth shut once I remove my palm.
"I'm going to tell everyone." He smiles and I shake my head while trying to hit him as he stands behind my chair.
"Can't get me," he walks away and leaves me batting at the air behind my chair.
"One day Kang Daesung. ONE DAY!" I yell playfully laughing at him, only to stop and find myself guilty with my own joy.

•••

I see Ha Neul walking with Ji as they make their way to lunch, his head bowed and her arm around him, comforting him.
"You know," she smiles at him even though his eyes are motioned to the ground,"everything will be okay."
"Ha," he looks at her, unknowing of anyone else watching them,"I know this might seem soon but...I love you. I love you so much, I don't know how to explain it."
She sits in amazement as she admires him, dumbfounded by his forward actions.
"It isn't too soon because I love you too." She smiles and they kiss, grasp hands, and walk to lunch, as I watch from afar.

I had to leave. I had to leave soon.

I walked to lunch and met everyone there, the aura of the cafe still full of happiness and joy although something was missing. I sit down and we eat in silence, everyone ordering the same food, in hopes of bringing back the same feeling although it never came. It seemed stupid to do it but it was reasonable, considering everything we had been through the past few days.
"I don't want to eat." Ri says quietly next to me.
"Ah, you need to."
"Ani Noona. I can't." He looks down and I hug him.
"Okay, but Ri you need to eat something." I look at him.
"Please get him back."
"I'm going to try. I really am."
He smiles and I look at the guys as they look back at me and Ha.

Afterwards I sit at my desk and look at tickets to LA. I hadn't been back there for a long time since I moved. I went to the U.S. on occasion to visit my family but the expenses were always so extreme.
I ended up buying two tickets for the following month, one for me and one for Ha Neul.
I ran my fingers through my hair, allowing the feeling to calm me to a point that I was actually comfortable. Something I hadn't felt in a very long time.

•••

"Bree," I listen to Youngbae on the phone the next morning in an attempt to understand what he was saying, "he thinks we are coming out but you and Ha are really going to meet him next month."
"Yes. I know." I wave my hand to catch a ride to work.
"By then maybe he will be able to come back." His voice is hopeful and I was too although a part of me knew that this was a very long shot.
"I hope so. I really do." I hang up and take a deep breath of the city air praying that this plan would work.

•••

After a month and a half of vigorous and painful work at the agency, Ha Neul and I packed up and got on the plane.

As we were taking off, I thought about why I was doing this. Why I was traveling miles and miles away to try to fix a problem that was supposed to be over. Why I seemed to be wasting four days of my life to go and see a man who said he didn't even want to remember me. And the answer was, I don't know, there is just something pulling me back to him. I didn't know if he felt it toward me but I couldn't just leave him like that. Even if this didn't work, all I wanted was a proper, sincere goodbye.

---------

Hi guys! So this chapter was kind of boring, SORRY! I was writing Imperfect, which is my new fanfic that I started (it's published on my profile so check it out!). So I was super tired and the ending to this was kind of awful. I am so excited to keep writing this one and Imperfect because in some ways they are similar. And just so you guys know, the reason that depression is so tightly knit in to so much of my writing is because I suffer through it a lot and this is kind of like my own therapy. If it isn't for you then I totally understand but for those of you who feel the same way, I hope you can relate to some of the pain the characters experience. Anyways, you guys are awesome and I hope you can get a chance to read the first chapter of my RiRi fanfiction. It's going to be pretty cute.

Xoxo

Livi