Falling for Grayson : birdflash

Ch7: Empty

As we walked along the trail in the opposite direction, I could see a relaxed look of content across Dick's face.

"It's gonna be tricky going out with her," I said. "With her being a civilian and all—plus, I thought you had a thing with Zatanna?"

"Zatanna and I did go out a couple times in February, but with her magic studies only getting more intense and spending almost all of her time split between Turkey and Italy, we figured it would be best to remain friends."

"Oh, you never really said anything."

"You never asked."

Dick caught the twitch of annoyance across my face.

"I mean, it sort of sizzled out. Like the conversation where we decided to be friends was online while she was in Italy. We were never officially together, you know?"

"Yeah, I get it. I just thought maybe you'd have said something."

"Well, what about you and Artemis? It's been about three weeks and you haven't really told me why you broke up with her. You didn't even tell me that you were unsure about the relationship. I had to find out from M'gann after Artemis told her."

"It's complicated."

"How so?"

"It just is."

"Well to Artemis, it was completely out of the blue," Dick said, unable to hide the irritation in his voice. "I mean, seriously, Wally. You two have been going out for almost a year and then you just decide to break up with her?"

"Dick I—"

"You really hurt her feelings."

"I know that," I snapped before softly repeating, I know that.

"Look, Wally. I know you said you needed some time before we talked about it, but three weeks seems like enough time. We're not just gonna avoid the topic forever."

Could we though?

I didn't want to lie to Dick, but I also couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't even tell him that maybe it wasn't Artemis specifically that I couldn't love in that way. If I did, what if he starts creating distance between us? What if he is not as understanding when it comes to the people closest to him? It also wouldn't take two brain cells after that to figure out I liked him more than the world. I hated this.

"Dick, I'd started to feel that maybe Artemis and I weren't meant to be together."

"But why?"

"Because that's just how I felt, okay?"

As lousy of an answer that was, Dick knew I wasn't going to give a better one. Perhaps he thought I was just confused or had commitment issues that I was unaware of. Maybe the defeated tone in my voice was enough for him to know that it was all I could offer him.

* * *

We walked in silence for a while.

The silence is uncomfortable. Not because of the conversation we just had, but in general. Being left alone with my thoughts draws my attention toward how lonely I've been feeling, even when I was in a relationship with Artemis. I'd rather distract myself with people and going out. I'd rather stay in the shallows of my mind than to swim beneath the surface and possibly not like what I find in the murky depths below.

I looked over at Dick. He seemed distant. His placid facial expression and slow, methodical movement made it seem as if he were an automaton. Would he not be imagining his date with Rose? Dick would be walking tall and with purpose if he was thinking about something that made him happy. I knew what he was like. I could also tell when something was off with him.

But whenever there was something and I'd ask him, he'd either share what's on his mind, or causally say that he's "fine." If it was the latter, I'd let it go. Maybe he'd tell me later, or maybe I read him wrong.

When I asked him this time what was on his mind, he said, nothing in particular. But as he said so, his eyes drifted from my eyes to my feet before looking forward at the path ahead. I find Dick looking at me from time to time, his eyes soft, his face almost mournful. When I'd catch his gaze, he'd look away. This felt like one of those times.